My Loot, Your Tears

I’ve been away from the Jerk lifestyle for a while, trying some of the other things in EVE. One of the Ninja Alliance members, Meccros, had been making ISK from loan scams – which I had not tried – and I got the chance to try it out today. Hillarity resulted.

I was using one of my alts in Jita for some market manipulation when I saw someone in local requesting a loan:

Rothrizar > can someone lend me ISK for a ship?

I quickly convo’d him to see if I could pull one over on him.

Secret Alt > hi there
Secret Alt > you were looking for a loan?
Rothrizar > hello
Rothrizar > yes, im looking to get enough ISK to purchase the Raven and fit it
Secret Alt > And how are you paying back?
Rothrizar > I guess its not really a loan then lol
Secret Alt > I can loan you isk, if you’re willing to pay it back with a small amount extra, if you tell me how you’re making money
Secret Alt > are you missioning?
Rothrizar > thats what i was doing
Secret Alt > Hm, I see
Rothrizar > i was piloting a drakerunning lvl 3s
Secret Alt > do you have anything to offer as colateral?
Secret Alt > ah, ok
Secret Alt > you could offer the drake as collateral
Rothrizar > the only problem with that is, it doesnt exist anymore
Secret Alt > Hm.
Rothrizar > I have a primae over in eitu
Rothrizar > bout all i have left hehe
Secret Alt > Oh, that would work
Secret Alt > How much ISK are you looking for?
Rothrizar > 40 mil max
Secret Alt > Ok, I can do that.
Secret Alt > I’ll need to fly over to Eitu to set up the contract there
Secret Alt > standard loan contract
Secret Alt > Just don’t screw me over, ok? ;)
Rothrizar > I wont screw you over

With trust established, I head over to Eitu to take his Primae. Click below to read on =)

This is LONG, but totally worth the read.

Meanwhile, we establish more trust with some mission-bear advice.

Rothrizar > i guess i should head over to eitu as well then?
Secret Alt > yeah, you’ll need to accept it
Secret Alt > repackage it if you had unpackaged it
Secret Alt > Who you missioning for? I do some myself
Rothrizar > caldari navy
Rothrizar > 3.66 currently
Secret Alt > ah, nice
Secret Alt > you might try sisters of eve if you can get standing high enough
Secret Alt > the probes and launchers are excellent isk makers
Rothrizar > 1.29 standing with sisters
Rothrizar > just from connections 3
Secret Alt > connections IV and social V are really worth it, you’ll get way more agents and faster
Rothrizar > here recently ive been training for the raven
Rothrizar > but ill most likely look into it
Rothrizar > yesterday night
Secret Alt > raven’s a good ship
Rothrizar > i got lucky and had an arbalest launcher drop
Secret Alt > niiice
Rothrizar > sold it for 13 mil
Rothrizar > which station are you in?
Secret Alt > just getting there
Secret Alt > which station has the Primae?
Rothrizar > um
Rothrizar > VI-M 21
Secret Alt > great, I’ll be there
Rothrizar > VI M-21*
Secret Alt > yeah, I’m here, just let me know when you arrive
Rothrizar > k
Rothrizar > in konola
Secret Alt > kk
Rothrizar > ok im here

Now we need to make it look legit, right?

Secret Alt > Does payback of 5M (for the 40M loaned) sound ok?
Rothrizar > so im going to owe you how much by the end of the loan?
Secret Alt > I loan you 40M, you pay me 40+5 back by the end
Secret Alt > if you’re running missions in a raven, should be easy enough
Rothrizar > ok
Rothrizar > and what is the timeframe of the loan?
Secret Alt > How many days do you need? Is 30 days enough?
Rothrizar > yes
Secret Alt > ok
Secret Alt > hold on a moment then
Secret Alt > Ah, ok, we have to do it this way – I send you the loan contract, then you trade me the primae as collateral

The collateral makes it seem legit, and by doing it outside the contract I get to keep it regardless of how things play out =)

Rothrizar > k
Secret Alt > CCP needs to fix the stupid loan contract setup so I can say I want such and such ship
Rothrizar > hehe
Secret Alt > there you go

So this is the loan contract I send him:

That contract says he will pay me 45m. Also it says I’ll loan him 40m. The two are not related – I get the 45m REGARDLESS of how the loan turns out, failed or completed. If he FAILS the loan contract, he keeps the 40m, and I’m ahead 5m. If he COMPLETES the loan contract, he ‘repays’ me the 40m, and I’m now ahead 45m – the initial price. It’s win-win for me and lose-lose for him.

Secret Alt > trade window is for primae
Secret Alt > now just put the priame in for coll

He accepts the contract, and trades me the Primae!

Secret Alt > awesome
Secret Alt > good luck sir
Rothrizar > pleasure doing business
Secret Alt > o/

So he closes convo and I head back to Jita. Five minutes later…

I am writing a reply telling him to Complete the contract (giving me the full 45m scam) when he convos me. One of his corp mates joins too.

Secret Alt > so it wouldn’t let you complete it?
Rothrizar > yeah it doesnt give me the option to complete the contract
Secret Alt > um
Rothrizar > i open it up and
Rothrizar > only lets me close it
Rothrizar > another thing
Secret Alt > hang on, let me ask a friend
Rothrizar > k
EKO ANDRESI > hello
Secret Alt > you should have three buttons on the contract: complete, fail, and close
Rothrizar > yeah i saw them when i first opened the contract
Rothrizar > but not anymore
Secret Alt > that’s strange
Secret Alt > 45 mil to be repaid for 40m loaned 30 days this one, right
Rothrizar > yeah
Secret Alt > so, how much do you have in your wallet?
Rothrizar > 52 mil
Secret Alt > you really sure you don’t have a complete option?
Rothrizar > yes
Rothrizar > and by completing the contract
Rothrizar > i am 95% sure that it would charge me the 45 mil i owe you
Rothrizar > because
Secret Alt > well, I see it in my outstanding contracts, so you should be able to complete it…
Rothrizar > upon acceptance of the contract
Rothrizar > it either
Rothrizar > a) gives me the money i am borrowing
Rothrizar > or
Rothrizar > b) is there for a time reference
Secret Alt > oph wait
Rothrizar > and i never got the money i am being loaned
Secret Alt > are you still in Eitu?
Rothrizar > yes
Secret Alt > hm
Secret Alt > my friend says there has the be the option to complete or fail, otherwise it would be gone by now
Rothrizar > what im thinking is that you are trying to scam me

ME? Scam?? No sir, I’m an honest player.

Secret Alt > what
Secret Alt > dude what the hell
Rothrizar > this is why
Rothrizar > upon completion of a contract
Rothrizar > the loan is done
Rothrizar > no more payments or anything of the sort right?
Rothrizar > but
Secret Alt > for loans you get the ISK
Secret Alt > so…
Rothrizar > i never got any isk
Secret Alt > they’re not like item exchanges

ecret Alt > right I know
Rothrizar > from accepting the loan
Secret Alt > you need to complete
Secret Alt > I mean what else would you do, fail it?
Rothrizar > hold on
Rothrizar > how about this
Rothrizar > we forget about the fucking piece of paper
Rothrizar > and you give me the 40 mil
Rothrizar > and ill pay you back 45 mil in 30 days
Rothrizar > that is a 100% way of making this being safe and secure
Secret Alt > but you could just keep the 40m
Rothrizar > you have my word ill pay you back
Rothrizar > that is true, but
Rothrizar > i could keep the 40 mil with the contract as well

Secret Alt > I’d have a record then
Secret Alt > and could tell other people not to trust you
Rothrizar > true
Rothrizar > but then
Rothrizar > what is the difference of having a loan or not
Secret Alt > what do you mean
Rothrizar > what im saying is
Rothrizar > this would be a lot easier if you would just lend me the 40 mil upfront….no contract….and ill give you the 45 mil in 30 days
Rothrizar > because i have never done a loan before
Secret Alt > yeah, but CCP invented the loan contract to make things safe
Secret Alt > like the other contracts
Secret Alt > are you sure there isn’t a ‘complete’ option anywhere? that’s really strange

Rothrizar > im positive
Rothrizar > come to the station
Rothrizar > and it will probably be here
Rothrizar > but im not going to complete it with your word
Rothrizar > i cant trust me
Rothrizar > you cant trust me either
Rothrizar > but im asking you to
Secret Alt > I dunno, this is sounding fishy
Rothrizar > because im not going to scam you
Secret Alt > like you’re trying to get more isk from me by some trick
Rothrizar > thank CCp for making loans into a completely scam filled system
Rothrizar > im not
Rothrizar > look
Secret Alt > well how do I know

Rothrizar > you already have my damned primae
Rothrizar > if i was going to scam you
Rothrizar > would i really give you that?

I’m thinking at this point I’ll just keep the primae and 5m.

Secret Alt > I’m thinking I should just keep the primae and you can keep the 40m, cause I know I don’t have 40m anymore
Rothrizar > im trying to reach a comprimise
Rothrizar > i never got 40 mil
Secret Alt > well where did my 40m go
Rothrizar > …
Rothrizar > i only have 52 mil
Rothrizar > i never got your 40 mil
Secret Alt > maybe you should delete the contract
Rothrizar > hmm
Rothrizar > now its giving me the option to complete
Rothrizar > what the fuck is going on here
EKO ANDRESI > mark make that contract to me delete the contract to him ill be the one to do the contract
Secret Alt > Roth: ok, it must be lagged
Secret Alt > just complete it already
Secret Alt > EKO: if he can’t complete or delete, ok, I don’t want to get scammed

Rothrizar > ok
Rothrizar > im going to fail
Rothrizar > the contract
EKO ANDRESI > lets try that
Secret Alt > ok?
Rothrizar > then well see what happens
EKO ANDRESI > you should get your money back
Rothrizar > if you lost the 40 mil in the first place
Rothrizar > go ahead and head over to the station if you can
Rothrizar > because when i fail this
Rothrizar > we are going to have to formulate another one
Secret Alt > ok, but I think complete would make more sense than fail
Rothrizar > ok i falied it
EKO ANDRESI > did your get your money back
Secret Alt > no, I still see the loan as open
Secret Alt > more lag I guess

KO ANDRESI > it out of the window then re-enter
Secret Alt > k
Secret Alt > it’s still under ‘in progress’
Rothrizar > ….
Rothrizar > i failed the contract
Rothrizar > i open up contractgs
Secret Alt > well let’s give it a few
Rothrizar > and it gives me the option to complete ita gain…..
Rothrizar > but i failed it
Secret Alt > remember your options took a few
Rothrizar > sO WHAT THE FUCK
Secret Alt > I dunno, this worked for me before
Secret Alt > try complete instead
Rothrizar > …

The Contract icon flashes. He’s Completed the loan!

I am now 45m richer, and one Primae up! No sense in denying anything now =) The tears now begin.

Rothrizar > …
Secret Alt > Congratulations, you have been sucessfully scammed. Welcome to Eve.
Secret Alt > I have 45m and your Primae =)
Rothrizar > how do you feel?
Secret Alt > Hint: if you’re not scamming, you’re being scammed. The smart guys are scamming =)
EKO ANDRESI > have fun with that
Secret Alt > Looking at my 3 billion ISK wallet? Awesome.
Rothrizar > oh well
Rothrizar > if you have
Rothrizar > 3 bill isk
Rothrizar > then why dont you go ahead and give me my 50 mil
Rothrizar > since
Rothrizar > you have all that ISK
Rothrizar > Mr. Billiionaire
Rothrizar > so?
Rothrizar > gonna give me my ISK back?
Rothrizar > and stop being a low-life son of a bitch?

ecret Alt > sorry, I was counting my faction-fit ships
Rothrizar > you are very funny
Secret Alt > It’s a game, and I believe I’ve won this round
Rothrizar > what exactly did you win?
Rothrizar > 45 mil?
Rothrizar > out of 3 bil
Rothrizar > hmm
Secret Alt > 45m, one primae, and a bunch of laughs
Rothrizar > so you gained 1.5% of your total cash
Rothrizar > over 1.5 hrs of time
Secret Alt > or I could have missioned for a hour. but this is so much more hilarious!

Rothrizar > that is pretty damn shitty
Secret Alt > for you, sure :D
Rothrizar > oh and btw
Rothrizar > nice grammar
Rothrizar > its real elementary
Secret Alt > so you’re poor but you can type better? have fun with that ;)
Rothrizar > how old are you?
Secret Alt > you wouldn’t believe me if I told you
Rothrizar > your grammar is shit, and you wink at people you piss off?
Rothrizar > yes i would
Rothrizar > you are either
Rothrizar > early teens
Rothrizar > or late 20s

I’m not saying how old I actually am, but continue to mess with his head.

Secret Alt > This is how you make real isk: [Want To Buy] (scam contract for CNR, at 670k ISK)
ecret Alt > And I’m 37 =)
Rothrizar > no
Secret Alt > See, I told you.
Rothrizar > people that actually have those items
Rothrizar > arent actually going to be dumb enough to do that
Secret Alt > read carefully: those are COMPLETED contracts.
Secret Alt > as in, I actually DID GET THOSE ITEMS
Secret Alt > or if you need more examples

list of twenty or so scam examples

That shut him up pretty well, for a few minutes =)

Rothrizar > well
Rothrizar > at least ill get my 45 mil from you
Rothrizar > from the contract
Secret Alt > roflmao
Secret Alt > did you check your account balance
Secret Alt > I got you to pay me 45m, to accept me loaning you 40m
Secret Alt > then you ‘completed’ the contract, which paid me back the 40m I loaned you
Rothrizar > no

I love it – he still believes he’s getting his ISK back!

Secret Alt > yes =)
Secret Alt > you just never noticed =)
Rothrizar > you only got
Rothrizar > 40 mil from me
Rothrizar > not 45
Rothrizar > i had 52 mil
Rothrizar > now i have 12 mil
Secret Alt > hang on, I’ll go over this slow
Rothrizar > so eventually
Rothrizar > its going to take 45 mil out fo your wallet
Rothrizar > and put it in mine
Secret Alt > no, no it isn’t =)
Secret Alt > you completed the contract. it’s DONE.

Rothrizar > yes, but
Secret Alt > 45 mil to be repaid for 40m loaned 30 days
Secret Alt > look at ‘price’
Secret Alt > you paid that, up front
Secret Alt > and never get it back
Rothrizar > listen
Secret Alt > you borrowed 40m briefly…. and when you hit ‘complete’, I got it back
Rothrizar > if the loan you created
Rothrizar > was for me to give you 40 mil
Rothrizar > and you pay me back 45 mil in 30 days
Rothrizar > then in 30 days
Rothrizar > ill have my 45 mil

Secret Alt > except that wasn’t the loan I created
Secret Alt > I got you to think it was
Rothrizar > no
Rothrizar > that was the loan you created
Rothrizar > what you did
Secret Alt > oh man, you’re killing me
othrizar > you made a loan to look like i was borrowing the money
Rothrizar > but in truth
Rothrizar > you did
Rothrizar > which is why it took 40 mil out of my wallet
Rothrizar > and gave it to you
Secret Alt > you’re going to believe you’re getting your money back but you never will
Rothrizar > that 45 mil still has to be payed back
Secret Alt > so convo me in 30 days, we’ll see if you have your 40m back =)
Rothrizar > 45 mil
Secret Alt > 45m, billions, whatever

Secret Alt > look under your loans – note that you have no loans outstading or in progress
Secret Alt > but under FINISHED, is the contract we did
Secret Alt > it’s done, for good, to more isk trades hands
Secret Alt > no more*
Rothrizar > then ill just report you
Secret Alt > for what?

Rothrizar > and get my isk back either way
Rothrizar > for scamming
Secret Alt > CCP allows scamming =)
Secret Alt > please, go ahead and put a petition in, it will be even funnier when you get it back and they say “sorry, your mistake, not our problem”
Rothrizar > alright bud
Rothrizar > filed my petitilon
Rothrizar > petition*
Secret Alt > awesome. I’ll be waiting to hear about it.

Twenty minutes go by…

Rothrizar > have fun with my ISK you stupid fucking scammer
Secret Alt > :D
Secret Alt > CCP not much help?
Rothrizar > no, because apparently
Rothrizar > their definition of an exploit is askew

Secret Alt > /emote dies laughing
Secret Alt > Feel free to petition their definition of exploit then, too =)
Rothrizar > so how about you give me my ISK back since youve wasted 2 hrs of my time
Secret Alt > Because I’d give it back now why?
Secret Alt > After all this time you expect me to suddenly BE A NICE GUY?
Rothrizar > because deep down inside you feel sorry for what you did and you wish to repent
Rothrizar > yep actually
Secret Alt > OMG ROFL

Rothrizar > since all of the logical approaches do not work
Secret Alt > Wait, why do I feel bad about taking imaginary money from you in a game?
Secret Alt > Do you feel bad when you take someone’s money in Monopoly?
othrizar > thats easy
Rothrizar > shut up lemme answer
Rothrizar > you feel bad because you took the time out of your life to scam me……and i took the time out of my life to get that money
Rothrizar > it doesnt matter whether its a game or not
Rothrizar > realistic matters have entered this fantasy so therefore it has realisitc attributes
Secret Alt > Do you feel bad when you play poker and bluff about your hand?
Rothrizar > i dont play poker, so no
Secret Alt > Would you feel bad about it?
Rothrizar > im not trying to make you feel bad
Rothrizar > im trying to get my fucking cash back

Rothrizar > ya know
Rothrizar > you and me would make a good team

WAT.

Secret Alt > I won your cash from you in a way that the game developers say is legal. So what’s the problem?
Secret Alt > Hang on, you were dumb enough to fall for a scam, why would I possibly want to team with you?
Rothrizar > because im not being serious
Rothrizar > lol
Rothrizar > and btw
Rothrizar > its not the fact that im dumb
Rothrizar > its the fact that i didnt know how in the fuck the loan workedand
Rothrizar > CCP did a terrible jjob of setting up the contract system

Secret Alt > So what have you learned?
Rothrizar > more specifically, loans
Rothrizar > they are just wanting ppl to get scammed
Rothrizar > not to talk to strangers mother
Rothrizar > do i get a lollipop now?
Secret Alt > No, but I’ll loan you some isk to buy one

Rothrizar > haha
Rothrizar > but wait
Rothrizar > lollipops do not cost 100 mil isk
Secret Alt > It’s a faction lollipop

Rothrizar > you know
Rothrizar > i felt suspicious about you
Rothrizar > but
Rothrizar > my friend is like “Ill pay you the money if you get scammed”
Rothrizar > so now im sitting in a raven
Rothrizar > getting ready to go fit it
Secret Alt > So I’ve taken the money from your friend? Either way works for me :D
Rothrizar > im still pissed though

There’s another half-hour of him trying to be cute, but it’s not nearly as funny.

I strongly endorse loan-scams as a low-risk way to make some isk and get some quality tears.

This entry was posted on Saturday, July 24th, 2010 at 4:09 pm and is filed under Capers, Delicious Tears, E-honor, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.