My Loot, Your Tears

It’s just a typical day of salvaging mission runners in Dodixie. The Drake that I’m pulling loot from targets me but holds fire. Eventually all the NPCs are gone and he warps out of the mission. I figure either closing the mission or to get a pew ship; either one is fine by me.

I warp my Orca-flying alt into the mission to help with tractoring of cans while I work the field. A few minutes later there is a Tristan on the directional scanner. I start burning toward a wreck near the Orca, hoping to pull a surprise switch into my Harbringer when he fires on me.

That’s exactly what happens; he shoots, I switch… and all my modules are offline. ARGH. This has been happening frequently when I board a ship in the Orca’s ship bay. While I’m trying to online the point and guns, my friend phalanx warriorll smartly warps out. It’s the last smart thing he’ll do.

Assuming he’s gone for good, I swap back to the Vigil and continue salvaging. Having acquired the a habit of looking at the directional scanner at least every minute, I spy a Deimos. It might be nicknamed the “Diemost”, but the Harbinger is not going to cut it for this and I warp out to get the Gank Abbadon.

phalanx pops into the room with my Orca and putters around. The Abbadon lands a few minutes later and I throw a point on him. Unfortunately he’s got too much range for me to get the web on and my large lasers only hit glancing blows on a fast moving cruiser-sized target. He holds range at 35km and tanks my blows. This isn’t going to work for me, so I warp out. I assume it’s over at this point, but he starts burning toward the Orca – which is right where the warp-in point is located.

If he doesn’t check directional scanner, and if he doesn’t realize his mistake… I wait until he’s close to the Orca and land on him. This time the web keeps him from ranging me and my lasers can hit hard; he soon explodes. During all this excitement a Dominix from another corporation has arrived, presumably for RR, but not in time.

Take a good look at that killmail. The Corpum A-Type ENAM is worth 400-500m on Jita contracts – pity it did not drop – and the price of the other items and ship is just over 900M ISK. I warp out to dock the Abbadon and convo him up for some tears:

Khalia Nestune > That didn’t work out so well for you, eh
phalanx warriorll > i have like 4 of those
Khalia Nestune > shooting at looter = bad idea =)
phalanx warriorll > and the faction mods i only spent about 20 mil on
Khalia Nestune > awesome, keep throwing the iskies away!
phalanx warriorll > yeah your mom helps pay the fees so it works out

And he closes the window. Back to the mission with my Vigil to finish salvaging, where the Dominix from the other corp is just sitting there. A few minutes later, phalanx rolls in with the Tristian from earlier. I hotswap for the Harbinger – modules online this time thankfully – and start pewing at him. The purpose of the Dominix becomes clear is he starts providing remote armor repair to the Tristan and turns red to me.

It takes me a minute or so, but I figure out the right range and speed to hit him at for maximum damage and even the Dominix’s RR can’t repair him fast enough; Tristian assplodes. Again more ISK than sense; faction mods go boom.

Phalanx warps off again and I circle the Domi who is clearly a bait ship. I’m feeling pretty good about this so I get Captain Charismatic to bring a RR ship for me, and I engage the Dominix. It only takes a minute or so to see that I can’t break his tank, so I hotswap from the Orca back into a Vigil and warp off. Cheap? Yes. Totally awesome? Yes.

Shortly after phalanx shows up in a Maelstrom, and buddies in a Merlin and Osprey join them. Captain and I decide that annoyance is the best course and wait out our timers so we can return to salvage without getting shot.

One of the Ninja Alliance channel members comments about this guy, who is apparently full of fail:

Novail > lol I jacked phalanx last night
Novail > And over the weekend
Novail > He was pissed.
Novail > He cried the whole time

So Novail provides me with this delicious chat log he had with phalanx:

Novail > How’s it going?
phalanx warriorll > come out and play
phalanx warriorll > ????
Novail > Would you be interested in taking a survey?
phalanx warriorll > nojust podding you
Novail > We’re always interested in feedback on our fine loot and salvage disposal service.
Novail > Tell me, are you completely satisfied with the service as rendered?
phalanx warriorll > no just podding you and having your corpse in my corpse case
Novail > Now why would you want to do that?
Novail > Was the service poor?
phalanx warriorll > let see oh you aggroed me by stealing
phalanx warriorll > your a nice soft target
Novail > Stealing?!
phalanx warriorll > yes stealing
phalanx warriorll > i didn’t stutter
phalanx warriorll > or miss type
Novail > Now, sir. We’re merely providing the service of keeping your warzones clean.
phalanx warriorll > why do you think i shot at you
Novail > If there is a problem with the service, I’d like to know it.
phalanx warriorll > right
Novail > I could provide a free run of the service if it would make you feel better.
phalanx warriorll > yeah you can pay me what you made off MY savage and loot + 50 mil
phalanx warriorll > and then i wont try to pod you every chance i get
Novail > Natually, you’ll have to pay the bill for the first cleaning.
Novail > All this talking of podding. Can’t we just be friends?
Novail > Don’t hate, friend.
phalanx warriorll > umm let me see not no but hell no :)
Novail > I’d like to keep you as a loyal customer.
Novail > How can I more efficiently clean up that nasty clutter for you?
phalanx warriorll > oh thta easy undock
Novail > Oh, you have more wrecks you need disposed of?
Novail > Or perhaps loot?
phalanx warriorll > oh yes
Novail > I know it tends to make an awful mess.
phalanx warriorll > that i do
phalanx warriorll > and yours will be one of them
Novail > Just let me finish selling. There’s A LOT of stuff to sell here.
Novail > I had to bring in a hauler just to get it all out before your return.
phalanx warriorll > right thats why you were in a vigil
phalanx warriorll > i forgot that its a hauler
phalanx warriorll > not a frig
Novail > Well, I brought the Vig back. We try to keep these things behind the scenes you know.
Novail > So as not to disturb our very busy clients.
phalanx warriorll > you didn’t have time
Novail > I can assure you, I was there for some time.
Novail > Took me almost half an hour to clean out all those gates.
Novail > You’re a VERY messy boy.
Novail > Almost done selling!
Novail > With the bill for my services and the price of the loot/salvage, I’d say it was a very productive session we had.
Novail > I hope to do business again with you soon!
Novail > As for the bill, that will be 10 mil, please.
Novail > We realize that you could do business with any saavager and you choose us!
Novail > In return, we provide low, low prices!!

Back in the present, phalanx provides some more awesome tears by convoing my Orca pilot:

phalanx warriorll > so your buddies are hiding
Markus El’kar > we only fight unfair and the stupid
Markus El’kar > you qualified for the second earlier
phalanx warriorll > lol
phalanx warriorll > no that was a throw away for my entertainment
phalanx warriorll > its a shame
Markus El’kar > you’re reinforcing the ‘stupid’ part, but go ahead
phalanx warriorll > your just like the rest ot the fake and gay losers
Markus El’kar > mmm tears
phalanx warriorll > tell your boyfriends to come out and play
Markus El’kar > please, cry me a river
phalanx warriorll > no no tears
phalanx warriorll > just fun
Markus El’kar > you’ll be briefly e-famous on mylootyourtears.com later this evening
Markus El’kar > look forward to it
phalanx warriorll > you say that as if i really care
Markus El’kar > oh, Novail says “hi”
phalanx warriorll > tell him to come get his mom
phalanx warriorll > she wont stop sucking my cock

Captain and I run out our timers and go back to salvage. Eventually we steal more loot and then burn in huge orbits around phalanx and his corp-mates, who are unable to hit us. I even manage to out-run his drones, and cause some more tears in local:

Kellven > this is true, i work directly for phalanx, i give him 90% profit ; (
phalanx warriorll > but i have perks
Khalia Nestune > I just blow his ships up and then run around in circles around them
Khalia Nestune > it’s much more amusing
phalanx warriorll > ok who gave the noob permission to talk in local
Prideof USA > i did
Captain Charismatic > Wait.
Captain Charismatic > You’re smacking US?
phalanx warriorll > ignored
Captain Charismatic > And you lost a billion isk deimos?
Captain Charismatic > Fail.
phalanx warriorll > lol a bil
phalanx warriorll > your smoking crack
Captain Charismatic > And nah, I don’t.
Khalia Nestune > Apparently he can’t do math.
Khalia Nestune > That Corpum A-Type ENAM was at least a 400m loss.
Captain Charismatic > how do you figure phalanx?
phalanx warriorll > i have like 10 of them
Captain Charismatic > so now you’re 1 less.
phalanx warriorll > and it just a fucking game
Khalia Nestune > Throw in the other faction mods, the ship, the fittings, and you’ve got yourself at least 900m.
Captain Charismatic > You’re the one smacking
phalanx warriorll > duh dumbass its part of the game
phalanx warriorll > its called shit talking
phalanx warriorll > this is dixie
phalanx warriorll > get with the program
Captain Charismatic > nah, it’s just tears.
Captain Charismatic > “I lost a billion isk, but I have 10x more so who has the bigger nads now!”
Khalia Nestune > The bears always like to bitch and then be all “no, it’s not tears!” because worse than losing is admitting you’re pissed off about it =)
phalanx warriorll > thats better blocked the children out
Khalia Nestune > The irony is that it’s almost certain that I’m twice his age or more.
Captain Charismatic > I know.
Khalia Nestune > “I can’t handle your responses to my complaints, so I’ll block you! That solves all problems!”
Korrodil > its like covering your ears and yelling
Korrodil > I’m not listening! i’m not listening

He also has a conversation with Captain Charismatic:

Captain Charismatic > What’s with the party?
phalanx warriorll > your boyfriend wants to be a douche
phalanx warriorll > so we’re giving him what he asked for
Captain Charismatic > Those two words don’t quite go together.
phalanx warriorll > ok your butt buddy
Captain Charismatic > …. I don’t get what you’re saying there.
Captain Charismatic > And what did Khalia do?
phalanx warriorll > oh you mean like stealing all my mission shit
Captain Charismatic > Not like you need it.
phalanx warriorll > ahh yeah that would be the start
phalanx warriorll > says who
phalanx warriorll > bitch i earned that shit
phalanx warriorll > not you or you bitch
Captain Charismatic > You’re a missionbear… the kind that just farms them all day lol.
phalanx warriorll > no you idiot
phalanx warriorll > i’m not
Captain Charismatic > o rly
phalanx warriorll > yeah
phalanx warriorll > i don’t salvage as i go
phalanx warriorll > i do the mish then i salvage
phalanx warriorll > so yeah
Captain Charismatic > So take my damn can lol… if you want that shit so bad.
phalanx warriorll > nah i wan tyour buddies’ abaddon
phalanx warriorll > just for fun
Captain Charismatic > Aww, why?
Captain Charismatic > Didn’t he fucking own your deimos?
phalanx warriorll > but its funny how he runs when i have friends and the talks shit
phalanx warriorll > when he thought i wasnt going to have any help
Captain Charismatic > We ALL have help.

Eventually our new friends all warp off, and I finish looting the mission. =)

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 17th, 2010 at 11:52 pm and is filed under Combat, Delicious Tears, Duffers, Ninja Salvaging. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.