My Loot, Your Tears

In September of last year, I resigned as Director of Salvage Operations at Suddenly Ninjas. I was exhausted from the administrative tasks associate with managing NinjaFleets. Frankly, I was tired of tutoring newbie ninjas who would suck away hours of instruction, then either quit the game or move on to other ventures. There was nothing wrong with NinjaFleets, and turnover is going to happen when your activities lend themselves well to new players. I just needed to get out on my own and take it to the next level in my own gameplay.

Six months ago, I started Honorless Internet Jerks as a one-man missionbear-griefing endeavor. It was my intention to start taking applications after a couple of months, but Real Life got in the way. Fortunately, this new way of playing allowed me to grief more carebears in an hour of “casual” play than I could in a weekend of play in Ninjas. Still, I’ve become a bit lonely, and it’s nice to have some backup once in a while.

The problem was that I didn’t want to train people, and I only wanted corpmates who met some very exact criteria to ensure that I would have good partners without drama or handholding.

So Khalia joined up. Khalia and I have always been sort of kindred spirits on Eve: He more often than not did most of the real work in the NinjaFleets that I took all the credit for. Like me, he had a neutral Orca pilot that he could live out of, and was skilled in the way of the gank. He could be forgiven for flying filthy Amarr ships with their lack of damage choice.

Shortly after Khalia officially joined, Captain Charismatic started flying with us and joined, too. Charismatic is a much newer player and still has some to learn, but he already lives out of an Orca and is quickly becoming proficient at making missionrunners sad.

I wasn’t sure how to go about recruiting, but now that a few perfectly suited players have joined, I have a better idea of what I’m looking for.

1) You must be able to live out of an Orca.

The out-of-corp Orca revolutionized ninja salvaging for me and for every subsequent ninja who invested in one. They make the salvager essentially immune from wardecs since a cloaked Orca can house scan ships, salvaging ships, gank ships, and remote-repair ships all at once. I can even effectively field JerkRaven for ganks with the help of an Orca (the method is classified).

If you can’t field an Orca on a separate account, you will be at the mercy of our wartargets every time you switch ships. As a matter of policy, we always have at least three outgoing wardecs, plus whatever incoming wardecs we’ve agitated others into. If you can’t undock, you have to play station games. Station games are what make hisec warfare stupid. We don’t play station games, much to the annoyance of our wartargets, who often know nothing else.

2) You must be financially and emotionally independent.

Financially: The Jerk lifestyle is feast or famine, fiscally. Ninja salvaging isn’t the income source it used to be, so if you’re going to get rich as a Jerk, it’ll be through (dishonored) ransoms, the occasional faction-fit missionbear gank windfall, or some other activity you do on your own. We have no corporate assets to help you with, and the constant threats from wartargets will make it all but impossible for you to make money via traditional methods with your main character. Done properly, the Jerk lifestyle doesn’t have that many living expenses. I don’t do anything other than grief for my income, but I don’t lose many ships, either. If you want to make money, you won’t get any help doing it from the corp. And $DEITY help you if I find out that you were missionrunning and got ganked by a carebear corp. We are supposed to be the wolves, not the rabbits.

Emotionally: NinjaFleets were great when the goal was just to swarm the fields and devour them like locusts, but salvaging and looting is really secondary now — we live for ganks. Ganks require that the carebear shoot, and that is encouraged by appearing helpless. This means that most of the time we do our ninja salvaging/looting solo, only forming up when RR is needed for a gank or when hunting a war target who has decided that it’s safe to carebear during a war. This is not the type of corp where you will log in and X up for fleet. If you can’t self-initiate your griefing activity while being available to help other Jerks in their ganks, then we don’t want you.

3) You must have a history of causing carebears to cry and die.

I love newbies, but not having to hold their hands has allowed me to have a much better time in this game than I ever did as a manager of baby ninjas. Applicants to Jerks need a documented history of ganks to show that they possess the skillpoints, equipment, and mindset required to do the work without myself or another Jerk having to cut up their food for them. Killboard links with high-value carebear kills are a requirement. Chatlogs with tears, threats of doom, and implications of questionable lineage are a plus. Solo PvE battleship kills are awesome, but group kills are OK as well as long as you can demonstrate that you were instrumental in the gank, and have the ability to make that solo kill when the opportunity presents itself.

Pilots who lack a gank history and/or an Orca alt can join Suddenly Ninjas in the mean time.

All hope is not lost! If you’re new at this sort of gameplay and want to give it a try with less stringent requirements, there’s no reason you can’t learn the ropes in Suddenly Ninjas. The only thing you’ll be missing out on there is our constant wardecs. Go extract some tears, and when you’re ready to step into Jerks drop me a line. There’s also no reason why you can’t grief solo until you meet the requirements, but the Ninjas are a good starting place are great guys to hang out with.

Pilots who meet the requirements should contact Paul Clavet in-game.

If you’re ready to join, then contact me via Eve Mail (no convo requests please) with the documentation of ability that I’ve outlined above. Acceptance will not be immediate… you will be invited to our private channel and Ventrilo server, and must fly with us for a while to show that you’re capable of fitting in.

Good luck!

Orion Maelstrom > Paul… you can have the wrecks, just leave the loot alone
Paul Clavet > I fail to see how you are in a position to dictate my actions
Paul Clavet > thanks for the Medium ‘Solace’ I Remote Bulwark Reconstruction
Orion Maelstrom > anytime
November Sky > wow the master thief found a remote repper
Paul Clavet > I know rite
November Sky > i got a whole mission here if you want more
Crash69 > i can’t imagine a vigil has much cargo space
Paul Clavet > it doesn’t
Paul Clavet > however, I am about to steal your mission objective
Paul Clavet > just thought you should know
November Sky > i got plenty of cargo space but i dont loot anyway, to boring
November Sky > who gives a shit paul
Crash69 > good luck with that paul
Paul Clavet > think I won’t be able to take it?
Crash69 > i don’t care
Crash69 > really
Crash69 > standings are at 9.8
November Sky > no i just wonder why you think any cares
November Sky > take all the mission items and loot you can get, and i will still make more isk afk
Paul Clavet > Thanks for the Ship’s Crew guys
Paul Clavet > wanna buy it from me?
November Sky > haha pauls been ninja salvaging for like 2 years, still flying a t1 frig?
Orion Maelstrom > got plenty extra
Orion Maelstrom > thanks anyways looser
Paul Clavet > November: You don’t know how this works, do you?
November Sky > yes i do , i make 250 mill a day, how much you make on your char same age?
Paul Clavet > The game is about isk for you? How very sad.
Shaidar Raiadu > no, some people play to make friends……odviously not you since there are only 3 other people in the game that can stand you
Paul Clavet > Your tears sustain me, Shaidar.
Shaidar Raiadu > like i would waist my tears on someone like you
November Sky > yes the game is about having isk to support my chars for me thats why i can afford nice ships, fly gangs and you stuck in your t1 frig thinking your bad ass
Paul Clavet > You guys are right… I have no friends and no nice ships
November Sky > your just pathetic
Shaidar Raiadu > atleast you admitted it
Paul Clavet > totally hitting the nail on the head, sky
November Sky > ye i know
November Sky > only need look at your corp history list to know that
Paul Clavet > how so?
November Sky > in and out of suddely ninjas lol as it wasnte lame from just beeing there, you probably leave it every war from the looks of it
Crash69 > don’t feed the trolls
November Sky > thats like a carebear ninja
Paul Clavet > totally true, I was absolutely a fairweather friend of the ninjas and they hate me to this day

This bug is merely annoying for industrial users of Orcas, but it can be catastrophic for those who use Orcas as mobile bases out of which to stage combat ships. It happens to me about one in ten ship changes. CCP, two suggestions:

1. Fix the bug.
2. Add an “Online All” button to the fitting screen.

Hello again, :)

Over the last few days some funny events have happened, first off, Khalia got his wish of a faction kill, which has been long in the making.

Yesterday, I had something rather interesting happen. I was tooling around, looting a mission that was apparently finished, when I warped into the last room to see a Myrmidon and an Incursus burning to various wrecks. Being in a fast Vigil, I could easily gauge what they were burning towards, and get there before them myself. After a few minutes, both opened fire on me.

I warped off to get the gank Raven, and started yelling into Vent, to which Khalia responded. Coming back into the last room, both were still there, along with a Brutix. Okay, so this was gonna be interesting… I pointed the Myrmidon, pinning it as the most expensive asset to lose, and started pounding on it with torpedoes and drones. Getting 1200 damage a volley or so, I knew I had picked the right type. Unfortunately, in my rush to get to the fight, I stupidly forgot to fit a web. The Myrmidon had apparently noticed this, and attempted to get out of range. I still had my point and my drones on him, but my torps were doing no damage whatsoever, having dropped out of range. The Myrmidon was getting his tank back, when suddenly, boom. I checked my log and found no absurd damage notification… Nothing I had could have taken out his entire tank in one shot… And Khalia was RR’ing me, and neuting the Myrmidon, but not providing DPS….

Okay, figure that out later. I switched my point to the Brutix, and was actually gaining on him, overheating my afterburner, my drones on him, still not in torp range, and suddenly, him too, boom.

Hmm….The Incursus had decided that this was not his fight, and bugged out before I could lock him. After docking, I checked my text logs, and noticed that both the Myrmidon and Brutix pilots had initiated self destructs of their own ships… While being at close to optimal tank – both of them. After talking to the Myrmidon pilot, I learned that he had run out of cap boosters, and considered the fight over when he could no longer repair as much as I was dealing. However, he had no idea that he was only a few KM from the end of my point range, and was slightly peeved that he self destructed with getting away being that close. I never heard from the Brutix pilot.

Near the end of that day, I had my other alt (everyone has 3 accounts, right?) out mining in his retriever. I saw a Hulk come on grid, and put out a can a few minutes later. Ninja instincts kicking in, I bookmarked the can, and warped off, and back on it, scooping his ore to my hold, and getting out. I docked, waited out the aggression timer, and did it again. This time, the hulk released a flight of light drones, which did some armor damage to my little retriever before it warped. I docked again, and waited out almost the full timer, then undocked and warped on his can again. At this point, there were only mere seconds left on the timer. The hulk targeted me, I saw drones go yellow, and then… CONCORD! Apparently, he had targeted me with the timer still there, but his drones had been slightly too slow, and engaged a second after the timer expired. Concord came to my rescue, popping the hulk in seconds. I waltzed up, grabbed his T2 strip miners that had dropped, and got myself docked again. I then proceeded to laugh for a good 10 minutes.

Fast forward to yesterday afternoon, all three of us (Paul, myself, and Khalia) were on, and Khalia happened to see a war target (Mooloomook – a pilot I had almost locked on an undock the day before) in a nearby system. Paul got into his Tengu, Khalia into his new Navy Omen, and I got into my Raven. We camped the Dodixie side of the gate to Auvergne, and got our neutral alts to watch / scan the system. Within a minute or so, Mooloomook warped right on top of our alts, and proceeded to jump through.

He decloaked on the other side seconds later, and both Paul and I had a point on him soon after. With that much DPS, Mooloomook’s Dominix crumbled, though we held off a moment until Khalia (was refitting and in warp at the time) could get in on the kill. Moo’s Dominix assploded shortly after. Moo logged after docking, and I contracted him some Spirits to ease the pain. Oh well, lesson learned – don’t ferry around your mission boat with a war going on, especially when one of the guys hunting you missed locking down your mission boat by mere seconds the day before.

I warp into a mission with a Megathron Navy Issue and start looting. The Mega Navy pilot, ‘Maxx Wolf’ aligns to a station and targets me. Interestingly he has no drones out, and drones are usually what is going to cause me problems – even a fast Vigil has issues outrunning light drones.

Maxx Wolf opens fire but his large railguns have no chance in hell of hitting me as I orbit wrecks at 1200m/s. Since he’ll just warp off if I go get pew I just putter around and continue to loot and salvage as his shots whiz harmlessly by me. After thirty seconds of this he warps off to the station.

Most mission runners will stay docked up until their aggression timers expire. Using my secret ninja skills – ok, it’s just shooting wrecks – I can extend the timer by fifteen minutes, and I can do that over and over. I finish looting the rest of the field and use a drone to pop one of the wrecks.

On a check of local I realize Maxx has gone to another system. Lots of mission runners also do that – move one system over and dock up, or run another mission. I enlist Captain Charismatic to help me search the surrounding systems. We locate him in Auvergne and not in station. Captain Charismatic starts to scan the system for a Mega Navy while I continue to pop a wreck once every fifteen minutes to extend the timer.

Eventually we realize he has docked in the one station in system. Captain leaves system on the idea that Maxx might be on the lookout for Jerk corp members in local. I then get myself ready. Khalia (my main) gets into the gank Abbadon and stays in the mission to shoot wrecks. My first alt positions outside the station in Auv with probes out to grab a scan id and watch for warp-off location. My second alt positions in Dodixie on the Auv gate to see where he goes if he returns to Dodixie.

What? Doesn’t everyone have three accounts?

Another few wreck shooting cycles go by and it’s somewhere between 45 minutes to an hour since I’ve been shot at, when Maxx undocks from the station in his Mega Navy. I immediately fire off a scan and get an ID. I watch him warp off to the Dodixie gate. Perfect! I can ambush him on the other side of the gate. I warp the Abbadon to the Auv gate.

The Abbadon’s downside is being fat and slow. Maxx’s Mega Navy appears on the gate and I watch on my second alt as he warps off – not toward any celestial, gate or station. The Abbadon lands about five seconds later – just missed him.

This works to my favor as I realize he’s warped back to his mission. I wait a full minute so I know he’s taken the first acceleration gate, and then warp to the mission and right through the gate. He tries to align to a station on seeing me but I get a point on him and the shooting starts.

It only takes a few minutes and he explodes. To say that I was excited would be an understatement. My hands were shaking, which may have been from all the coffee I just had, but the thrill of killing my first faction battleship definitely was a factor. I wish I had gotten a screenshot!

I open a conversation with him for tears, and he gives one of the more hillarious excuses I’ve ever seen:

Khalia Nestune > that didn’t work out to well for you there
Khalia Nestune > I hope you’ve learned not to shoot ninja looters =)
Maxx Wolf > it happens…I accidentally fired on your bait ship when I meant to just warp out
Khalia Nestune > LOL
Maxx Wolf > I was trying to fire on the stupid serpentis cruiser
Khalia Nestune > “accidently”
Khalia Nestune > yeah

Of course! Clearly a 2006 character flying a faction battleship and who had pre-aligned to station would fire on me by mistake!

This was a victory of patience and good planning. If Maxx had been smarter, he would have done any of: a) not fire on me at all; b) dock and log for several hours; c) go 8 or 10 hops away.

Hello readers. Paul, Captain Charismatic and myself have been tickled silly by the mail we receive about My Loot, Your Tears – nearly all of it enthusiastic and positive. We’ve also gotten a number of conversation requests from fans – thanks all!

By way of thanks, here are some of the letters we’ve received:

From: FifDSeven
Sent: 2010.03.18 18:41
To: Khalia Nestune,

Hey,

Keep up the good work with your blog My Loot, Your Tears. That’s some pretty great stuff (even though I’m a miner and mission runner myself). I really liked how you pointed out the stupidity of that phalanx warriorII guy, that guy was a complete idiot. Anyways, keep up the good work, and give us some more interesting articles to read, and if you happen to pass through Ikami, I’ll make sure to not run missions while you’re around :)

Good day,
FifDSeven

————————–

From: delphiaus klaus
Sent: 2010.02.26 20:43
To: Khalia Nestune,

Hey I thought it was hilarious yesterday when you messed with my mission space. I wasn’t expecting you to come back and kick our asses haha.

Props. I might start doing that it looked fun. I bet people never see it coming.

————————–

From: Martin Perway
Sent: 2010.02.10 07:23
To: Khalia Nestune,

I was watchign some of ur vids on youtube, is that all u do? looks like a lota fun :P

————————–

From: InSaNe ViRuS
Sent: 2010.03.16 19:37
To: Captain Charismatic,

I read your stuff every day and I just wanted to say it is both well written and quite amusing. Keep it up!

and

Outstanding. I like mostly the short stories of your daily loots and awesome kills you get. I started reading because of Capsuleer but now I regularly surf your blog on the site itself along with the others from capsuleer. To tell the truth I’ve learned a lot about PVP just from reading how you do it and the tactics you and your fellow mates use.

————————–

From: Kasigi Yono
Sent: 2010.02.03 06:15
To: Khalia Nestune,

Great read, keep it up. I love to see the tears flow.
Fly safe,
Kasigi

————————–

And particularly amusing:

From: Icedail
Sent: 2010.02.10 01:25
To: Khalia Nestune,

Your mind is bad. But I like you .

————————–

It’s just a typical day of salvaging mission runners in Dodixie. The Drake that I’m pulling loot from targets me but holds fire. Eventually all the NPCs are gone and he warps out of the mission. I figure either closing the mission or to get a pew ship; either one is fine by me.

I warp my Orca-flying alt into the mission to help with tractoring of cans while I work the field. A few minutes later there is a Tristan on the directional scanner. I start burning toward a wreck near the Orca, hoping to pull a surprise switch into my Harbringer when he fires on me.

That’s exactly what happens; he shoots, I switch… and all my modules are offline. ARGH. This has been happening frequently when I board a ship in the Orca’s ship bay. While I’m trying to online the point and guns, my friend phalanx warriorll smartly warps out. It’s the last smart thing he’ll do.

Assuming he’s gone for good, I swap back to the Vigil and continue salvaging. Having acquired the a habit of looking at the directional scanner at least every minute, I spy a Deimos. It might be nicknamed the “Diemost”, but the Harbinger is not going to cut it for this and I warp out to get the Gank Abbadon.

phalanx pops into the room with my Orca and putters around. The Abbadon lands a few minutes later and I throw a point on him. Unfortunately he’s got too much range for me to get the web on and my large lasers only hit glancing blows on a fast moving cruiser-sized target. He holds range at 35km and tanks my blows. This isn’t going to work for me, so I warp out. I assume it’s over at this point, but he starts burning toward the Orca – which is right where the warp-in point is located.

If he doesn’t check directional scanner, and if he doesn’t realize his mistake… I wait until he’s close to the Orca and land on him. This time the web keeps him from ranging me and my lasers can hit hard; he soon explodes. During all this excitement a Dominix from another corporation has arrived, presumably for RR, but not in time.

Take a good look at that killmail. The Corpum A-Type ENAM is worth 400-500m on Jita contracts – pity it did not drop – and the price of the other items and ship is just over 900M ISK. I warp out to dock the Abbadon and convo him up for some tears:

Khalia Nestune > That didn’t work out so well for you, eh
phalanx warriorll > i have like 4 of those
Khalia Nestune > shooting at looter = bad idea =)
phalanx warriorll > and the faction mods i only spent about 20 mil on
Khalia Nestune > awesome, keep throwing the iskies away!
phalanx warriorll > yeah your mom helps pay the fees so it works out

And he closes the window. Back to the mission with my Vigil to finish salvaging, where the Dominix from the other corp is just sitting there. A few minutes later, phalanx rolls in with the Tristian from earlier. I hotswap for the Harbinger – modules online this time thankfully – and start pewing at him. The purpose of the Dominix becomes clear is he starts providing remote armor repair to the Tristan and turns red to me.

It takes me a minute or so, but I figure out the right range and speed to hit him at for maximum damage and even the Dominix’s RR can’t repair him fast enough; Tristian assplodes. Again more ISK than sense; faction mods go boom.

Phalanx warps off again and I circle the Domi who is clearly a bait ship. I’m feeling pretty good about this so I get Captain Charismatic to bring a RR ship for me, and I engage the Dominix. It only takes a minute or so to see that I can’t break his tank, so I hotswap from the Orca back into a Vigil and warp off. Cheap? Yes. Totally awesome? Yes.

Shortly after phalanx shows up in a Maelstrom, and buddies in a Merlin and Osprey join them. Captain and I decide that annoyance is the best course and wait out our timers so we can return to salvage without getting shot.

One of the Ninja Alliance channel members comments about this guy, who is apparently full of fail:

Novail > lol I jacked phalanx last night
Novail > And over the weekend
Novail > He was pissed.
Novail > He cried the whole time

So Novail provides me with this delicious chat log he had with phalanx:

Novail > How’s it going?
phalanx warriorll > come out and play
phalanx warriorll > ????
Novail > Would you be interested in taking a survey?
phalanx warriorll > nojust podding you
Novail > We’re always interested in feedback on our fine loot and salvage disposal service.
Novail > Tell me, are you completely satisfied with the service as rendered?
phalanx warriorll > no just podding you and having your corpse in my corpse case
Novail > Now why would you want to do that?
Novail > Was the service poor?
phalanx warriorll > let see oh you aggroed me by stealing
phalanx warriorll > your a nice soft target
Novail > Stealing?!
phalanx warriorll > yes stealing
phalanx warriorll > i didn’t stutter
phalanx warriorll > or miss type
Novail > Now, sir. We’re merely providing the service of keeping your warzones clean.
phalanx warriorll > why do you think i shot at you
Novail > If there is a problem with the service, I’d like to know it.
phalanx warriorll > right
Novail > I could provide a free run of the service if it would make you feel better.
phalanx warriorll > yeah you can pay me what you made off MY savage and loot + 50 mil
phalanx warriorll > and then i wont try to pod you every chance i get
Novail > Natually, you’ll have to pay the bill for the first cleaning.
Novail > All this talking of podding. Can’t we just be friends?
Novail > Don’t hate, friend.
phalanx warriorll > umm let me see not no but hell no :)
Novail > I’d like to keep you as a loyal customer.
Novail > How can I more efficiently clean up that nasty clutter for you?
phalanx warriorll > oh thta easy undock
Novail > Oh, you have more wrecks you need disposed of?
Novail > Or perhaps loot?
phalanx warriorll > oh yes
Novail > I know it tends to make an awful mess.
phalanx warriorll > that i do
phalanx warriorll > and yours will be one of them
Novail > Just let me finish selling. There’s A LOT of stuff to sell here.
Novail > I had to bring in a hauler just to get it all out before your return.
phalanx warriorll > right thats why you were in a vigil
phalanx warriorll > i forgot that its a hauler
phalanx warriorll > not a frig
Novail > Well, I brought the Vig back. We try to keep these things behind the scenes you know.
Novail > So as not to disturb our very busy clients.
phalanx warriorll > you didn’t have time
Novail > I can assure you, I was there for some time.
Novail > Took me almost half an hour to clean out all those gates.
Novail > You’re a VERY messy boy.
Novail > Almost done selling!
Novail > With the bill for my services and the price of the loot/salvage, I’d say it was a very productive session we had.
Novail > I hope to do business again with you soon!
Novail > As for the bill, that will be 10 mil, please.
Novail > We realize that you could do business with any saavager and you choose us!
Novail > In return, we provide low, low prices!!

Back in the present, phalanx provides some more awesome tears by convoing my Orca pilot:

phalanx warriorll > so your buddies are hiding
Markus El’kar > we only fight unfair and the stupid
Markus El’kar > you qualified for the second earlier
phalanx warriorll > lol
phalanx warriorll > no that was a throw away for my entertainment
phalanx warriorll > its a shame
Markus El’kar > you’re reinforcing the ‘stupid’ part, but go ahead
phalanx warriorll > your just like the rest ot the fake and gay losers
Markus El’kar > mmm tears
phalanx warriorll > tell your boyfriends to come out and play
Markus El’kar > please, cry me a river
phalanx warriorll > no no tears
phalanx warriorll > just fun
Markus El’kar > you’ll be briefly e-famous on mylootyourtears.com later this evening
Markus El’kar > look forward to it
phalanx warriorll > you say that as if i really care
Markus El’kar > oh, Novail says “hi”
phalanx warriorll > tell him to come get his mom
phalanx warriorll > she wont stop sucking my cock

Captain and I run out our timers and go back to salvage. Eventually we steal more loot and then burn in huge orbits around phalanx and his corp-mates, who are unable to hit us. I even manage to out-run his drones, and cause some more tears in local:

Kellven > this is true, i work directly for phalanx, i give him 90% profit ; (
phalanx warriorll > but i have perks
Khalia Nestune > I just blow his ships up and then run around in circles around them
Khalia Nestune > it’s much more amusing
phalanx warriorll > ok who gave the noob permission to talk in local
Prideof USA > i did
Captain Charismatic > Wait.
Captain Charismatic > You’re smacking US?
phalanx warriorll > ignored
Captain Charismatic > And you lost a billion isk deimos?
Captain Charismatic > Fail.
phalanx warriorll > lol a bil
phalanx warriorll > your smoking crack
Captain Charismatic > And nah, I don’t.
Khalia Nestune > Apparently he can’t do math.
Khalia Nestune > That Corpum A-Type ENAM was at least a 400m loss.
Captain Charismatic > how do you figure phalanx?
phalanx warriorll > i have like 10 of them
Captain Charismatic > so now you’re 1 less.
phalanx warriorll > and it just a fucking game
Khalia Nestune > Throw in the other faction mods, the ship, the fittings, and you’ve got yourself at least 900m.
Captain Charismatic > You’re the one smacking
phalanx warriorll > duh dumbass its part of the game
phalanx warriorll > its called shit talking
phalanx warriorll > this is dixie
phalanx warriorll > get with the program
Captain Charismatic > nah, it’s just tears.
Captain Charismatic > “I lost a billion isk, but I have 10x more so who has the bigger nads now!”
Khalia Nestune > The bears always like to bitch and then be all “no, it’s not tears!” because worse than losing is admitting you’re pissed off about it =)
phalanx warriorll > thats better blocked the children out
Khalia Nestune > The irony is that it’s almost certain that I’m twice his age or more.
Captain Charismatic > I know.
Khalia Nestune > “I can’t handle your responses to my complaints, so I’ll block you! That solves all problems!”
Korrodil > its like covering your ears and yelling
Korrodil > I’m not listening! i’m not listening

He also has a conversation with Captain Charismatic:

Captain Charismatic > What’s with the party?
phalanx warriorll > your boyfriend wants to be a douche
phalanx warriorll > so we’re giving him what he asked for
Captain Charismatic > Those two words don’t quite go together.
phalanx warriorll > ok your butt buddy
Captain Charismatic > …. I don’t get what you’re saying there.
Captain Charismatic > And what did Khalia do?
phalanx warriorll > oh you mean like stealing all my mission shit
Captain Charismatic > Not like you need it.
phalanx warriorll > ahh yeah that would be the start
phalanx warriorll > says who
phalanx warriorll > bitch i earned that shit
phalanx warriorll > not you or you bitch
Captain Charismatic > You’re a missionbear… the kind that just farms them all day lol.
phalanx warriorll > no you idiot
phalanx warriorll > i’m not
Captain Charismatic > o rly
phalanx warriorll > yeah
phalanx warriorll > i don’t salvage as i go
phalanx warriorll > i do the mish then i salvage
phalanx warriorll > so yeah
Captain Charismatic > So take my damn can lol… if you want that shit so bad.
phalanx warriorll > nah i wan tyour buddies’ abaddon
phalanx warriorll > just for fun
Captain Charismatic > Aww, why?
Captain Charismatic > Didn’t he fucking own your deimos?
phalanx warriorll > but its funny how he runs when i have friends and the talks shit
phalanx warriorll > when he thought i wasnt going to have any help
Captain Charismatic > We ALL have help.

Eventually our new friends all warp off, and I finish looting the mission. =)

Hello readers… My EVE name is Captain Charismatic. Recently, Paul extended the invitation for me to join Jerks. Of course, I jumped at the chance. :)

Anyway, even with a couple wars going on, it’s been pretty dull around Dodixie. It so happened that all 3 of us were online tonight, and Khalia had just found a Drake doing a mission. As soon as he looted, the Drake fired, and Khalia warped off to get his gank Harbinger.

Arriving back, Khalia made the call for RR as he pointed the Drake, Paul and I rushed over, ready to assist. I had my remote repairs going for a good 2 minutes, when the Drake locked me and fired. I immediately attempted to warp to the base with my gank Raven, and ended up getting out with around 57% structure. That makes 8 fleet engagements that this Osprey has survived in, with almost all of them getting it into hull.

Not long after, Paul was shot at, and warped off to get his Tengu. Both of us landed at around the same time back at the mission, with Khalia taking heavy armor damage. Khalia managed to hold the drake off JUST long enough for Paul to get a point on him, and was into structure before his Harbinger warped off. I was out at a crazy range, and needed to close the distance, but Paul, being in the faster T3 ship, started tearing into the drake. Surprisingly, the Drake was pretty much tanking Paul’s T2 missiles, and it was a bit of a stalemate.

Finally, I got into range, and started laying into him with Caldari Navy Juggernaut torpedoes, apparently the correct choice, as I started receiving damage notifications of over 1000 per volley. His tank dropping like a rock, Paul convo’d him and requested a ransom. Which he promptly denied. We resumed fire, Khalia even managed to come back in his Abaddon and get some damage in, and his drake was overpowered.

I started Fraps recording the moment I remembered it was on, and it pretty much covers from when I started blasting him with torpedoes. It’s here.

After helping Khalia and Charismatic down a fleet earlier in the evening, I was out Ninjaing and came across a Typhoon piloted by Grymmstorm, running what looked like a level 2 mission! Of course, as soon as I looted he targeted and fired upon me. Seeing his imposing dual tech I drones, I decided to skip JerkRaven and go straight for JerkTengu from the Orca.

When I landed, I thought I had hit the wrong bookmark. There were something like two Myrmidons, a Hurricane, a Drake, a Hound, and a Retriever (?!) sitting on the gate. A second look confirmed that they were all from the same corp. This was a level 2 mission, so they weren’t there to help with the rats. They were there to kill me.

Oh, !@#$.

Always bet on stupid, but use some sense when placing your bets. I got JerkTengu out of there with a quickness, and docked up to fit JerkRaven for what could be a tough fight. Off came the afterburner and one of the shield extenders, and on went a stasis webifier and target painter. If you’re going to be a tool, best to use the right tools.

I warped back to the mission and followed the enemy fleet into the mission. The Typhoon had left the field, but the rest of them remained and locked me as I entered the grid. Khalia and Charismatic entered behind me in RR boats. The Mando’a fleet had aggro on me and I had aggro on the GTFO’d Typhoon, but all that was going to run out in just a couple of minutes. They seemed to be deciding what to do. Khalia expressed boredom in local:

[05:45:10] Khalia Nestune > yawn
[05:45:14] Khalia Nestune > your move, boys

With the aggro clock running out, I decided to burn slowly (No afterburner, remember?) toward the closest wreck to loot it. I needn’t have bothered: When I was about 10km away, the Hurricane and two Myrmidons opened fire. I immediately locked the Hurricane piloted by Vongroth (primaried for being the oldest opponent) and started up all my equipment.

A funny thing happened here. The Drake pilot, possibly having gone to the bathroom or to make a sandwich or to make sweet love to his woman, returned (after his aggro on me had run out) to see his corpmates locked in combat with JerkRaven. He locked me and, presumably ignoring the CONCORD warning, opened fire. CONCORD made quick work of him, but none of us noticed until he popped. There was confusion for a moment until we saw the ships floating about. The Hound, also having waited until it was too late, decided that discretion was the better part of valor and held his fire.

Vongroth’s Hurricane went pop, and I switched my point to Weyestone’s Myrmidon. I was at about half shields, but with the ‘cane gone I was holding and rebuilding my tank with only a small effort from the Jerks’ RR. Mithrawindo, seeing the Hurricane pop and his fellow Myrm get grabbed, decided that the fight would not go his way and warped off. Agnt Orange followed suit in his Hound. I finished off Weyestone’s Myrmidon handily.

I leave you with the conversation in local after the fight:

[05:52:22] Vongroth > If CONCORD hadn’t killed one of our DPS, you’d be dead right now.
[05:52:37] Ghurthe > clearly concord takes sides
[05:52:45] Paul Clavet > ROFL
[05:52:45] Khalia Nestune > LOL
[05:52:47] Captain Charismatic > lol.
[05:52:52] Captain Charismatic > Faildrake go pop.
[05:59:24] Paul Clavet > Drake Pilot> ALLAHU ACKBAR

While not as awesome as Khalia’s Fail-Fleet, this was certainly a nice dessert.

When it rains, it pours. On this Sunday night in Dodixie we had the pleasure of ganking two entire missionrunner fleets. This is about the first – the pilots of Twilight Labs.

As it usually happens this began with some ninja salvaging. I scanned down a Dominix and arrived with my Vigil, to be surprised to find the Dominix had friends – a Megatron, a Brutix, an Exequror and an Onerios. With this many guys I was sure they would shoot when I looted. With Paul and Captain Charismatic – now in Honorless Internet Jerks – providing remote rep I figured we could take one or two and then warp off.

I started looting large wrecks and without much delay the Dominix and Brutix open fire on me. Off I go for the Abbadon. A minute later I land back on the mission with Paul and Charismatic right behind me with support ships. I point the Dominix and open fire. Now things get interesting – the Megathron, Brutix and Dominix all return fire, and my armor is taking a beating. The Dominix appears to going down until the Exequror and Onerios start repping it.

Paul starts to receive fire from the Megathron and warps out to get his Tengu. I change fire to the Exequror, who goes down quickly, and then onto the Onerios. The Onerios takes longer to kill and tries to get out of range, but without success.

Charismatic has now started taking fire and warps off for his own gank ship. This leaves me alone versus the Dominix, Brutix and Megathron. I focus fire back on the Dominix and align toward station; my armor is nearly gone. Paul is in warp back to me with the Raven, but I start going into hull. I hold out just long enough for the Dominix to pop and warp off with 50% structure remaining. The Brutix pilot decides today is not his day and leaves the field.

As I dock for repairs, Paul arrives on scene followed right behind by Charismatic, locks up the Megathron and turns it to scrap. The Twilight Labs guys stay docked up and we loot and salvage the field.

Compared to the fleet you’ll read about in part II, this fleet was not so much made of fail as they failed in other ways. They stuck around at all to fight me in a PvP ship with their PvE ships; this allowed me to control when I could leave and prevent them from doing so with a point. Their logistic ships pilots were close enough for me to easily destroy and they used them both at the same time – staggering them would have prevented me from shooting the logistics until more damage had been done to me. They opened fire on our own logistics ships without having the means to keep them on the field (points) which meant both Paul and Charismatic were able to go get DPS-dealing ships.

The main failure in all mission runner ganks is the mission runner remaining at his mission after having opened fire. PvE ships versus PvP ships are an unfair fight. This is exactly the kind of fight I like – as the banner says “Always cheat. Always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.”