My Loot, Your Tears

(Author’s note: I am posting this from a cellular-connected netbook moving at 75 MPH down a highway in the Southern US. If there are glitches or errors, they can be attributed to either a small keyboard or an unreliable connection.)

Suddenly Ninjas is under a declaration of war from some fail carebear alliance that one of our members cheesed off, but they seem to fail at PVP even harder than they fail at target selection (seriously guys, hisec warfare is dumb, and we’re not gonna play station games with you), so I’ve been ninja-salvaging in Dodixie anyway.

My third of four hits in that particular cycle was a Hyperion owned by Ju’Ane d’Ellenarile in a large single-room Angel mission. Ju’Ane locked me and launched her drones as soon as I looted a large wreck. Usually it takes a little while for a carebear to decide to throw his life away, so I was caught off guard and didn’t realize that her Warrior II’s were on me until the first damage notification. I barely got away, but get away I did, with 20% armor remaining on my Vigil.

In the past, I have done my ganking in a HAM Drake, but killing a battleship in a battlecruiser usually requires good RR support. With most of the ninjas off killing WT miners (carebear fail), there were only a handful of ninjas in Dodixie. After a few moments of consideration, I docked up and grabbed a Torpedo/Neut Raven I had fit up a week previous. Ninja Barlic was one jump over and answered the call to RR.

During my Vigil’s Great Escape, I had bookmarked a wreck near Ju’Ane’s current position. This did me no good, as I still arrived at the deadspace entry point, about 100km away. At that point I figured the game was up, as most rational people will realize that a PVP ship just showed up to shoot at them, and will move their PVE-fit ship out of harm’s way immediately.

I guess I give too much credit to human rationality, because Ju’Ane started burning toward me. Even when Barlic arrived on grid a full minute later, while I was still at 35km and unable to get my warp disruptor on her, she remained focused on getting drones on me and beginning the fight. Oh well, it’s your funeral, sister.

This was my first time flying a battleship, and I was afraid that I would mis-manage my capacitor and lose my point on her. Still, even with my forgetting to engage my resist boosters until she had been shooting me for 30 seconds, her Hyperion went bye-bye with me at about 40% shields. Heavy Neuts are incredibly effective against the active tanks that those carebear kids are using these days, and she never had a chance.

Poor Barlic. He overloaded his afterburner almost to burnout trying to get to me, and arrived in RR range just as Ju’Ane went into structure. I still paid him a gratuity of 5M ISK for his help. Someday I may have to fight a carebear who isn’t fail-fit, and I want my fellow Ninjas as eager as possible to come to my aid.

I tried to open a convo with Ju’Ane after her pod warped off, but she had ragelogged. I eve-mailed her (to let her know that she would be featured on MLYT) and got a response in French.

Sometimes a carebear will shoot at a ninja, and then have that ninja land right on top of him with a gank ship. This is pure ignorance, and they can’t really fix the situation once they’re in it. Ju’Ane, however, had about 90 seconds to get out, longer if she hadn’t turned and burned toward my ship. There is no real excuse for this sort of bravado, so though Ju’Ane proved that not all French are cowards, she certainly did prove that she is a fool. She paid the price, so maybe next time she’ll remember the lesson: Don’t shoot at ninjas.

(See what I did there? HopeChange? lulz.)

So I was helping Logistical Nightmare pin Elizabeth hope. She spotted me (oh noes!) and taunted me in local.

Elizabeth hope > /emote has paul clavet’s stealth Bomber strapped to hood of ship
Paul Clavet > How’s that POS doing, cupcake?
Paul Clavet > And your pod? And your CEO’s command ship?
Paul Clavet > Where’s that death that you were going to rain down on us?
Paul Clavet > By the way, we popped drucore again
Paul Clavet > some help you were
Paul Clavet > Hey guys, go read all about Elizabeth Hope: http://mylootyourtears.com
Zedrik Cayne > Well…Get tired of getting podded in 0.0 Miss Hope?
Elizabeth hope > Nope
Elizabeth hope > picking stuff up
Elizabeth hope > still hiding from all the guys??
Elizabeth hope > Btw welcome to block son :)
Elizabeth hope > agian

Elizabeth hope > /emote dances
Elizabeth hope > You will find me in a npc corp taking corpies stuff,
Elizabeth hope > I’ll wave at you when I pas syou in highsec
Elizabeth hope > ;p
Zedrik Cayne > Awfully cheery for someone who has successfully proved that she’s incompetent.
Zedrik Cayne > And for someone who has been ‘hiding’ I’ve killed quite a number of your corpmates….
Elizabeth hope > =D
Zedrik Cayne > Speaking of hiding… In an NPC corp…how.. lame. So you couldn’t put your money where your mouth was…Not surprised.
Aelemaeous > Rofl.
Aelemaeous > I read that blog
Aelemaeous > this is funny stuff.
Elizabeth hope > Yea considered harrassment :)
Elizabeth hope > You know when someone copies a convo when they cannot insult that person
Paul Clavet > Elizabeth hope, didn’t you promise to pod me down below 1mil SP? Wouldn’t that be harrassment?
Elizabeth hope > so they take insane leaps
Elizabeth hope > And still fail lol
Elizabeth hope > Till then ta ta my zeddy teddy
Elizabeth hope > o/
Paul Clavet > We failed so hard that Cupcake here had to flee her own badass corp
Aelemaeous > oh wow.
Aelemaeous > she founded it too
Paul Clavet > yep
Paul Clavet > some awesome internet badass she turned out to be

Let’s check the sequence of events:

1. Paul Clavet ganks drucore.
2. Threats of doom from drucore and idiot corpmates.
3. Nothing happens.
4. Ninjas gank drucore again.
5. drucore runs to Elizabeth hope, also known as Cupcake.
6. Cupcake threatens: “If I catch you near him or his corp, I will come and gank you till your sp is below 1 mil you will not like me, Only Warning- After this Wardecing-to Highsec Ganking you or lowsec” …whatever that means. Cupcake also says that she did 26 billion ISK worth of damage to the Goons. Goons didn’t want that 26 bil anyway, I guess, because they seem unimpressed.
7. Ninja allies wardec Cupcake’s corp.
8. Cupcake convinces some alliance to take in her fail-corp.
9. Ninjas and allies pew Cupcake’s POS in w-space, kill many fail-fit ships, Cupcake’s pod, and the Command Ship of Cupcake’s alliance CEO.
10. Ninjas gank drucore again. For the third time.
11. Ninja allies stalk Cupcake relentlessly.
12. Cupcake bails on the fail-corp she founded and joins newbie corp to escape.
13. Cupcake declares victory.

Make sense to you? No? Me either.

To: Elizabeth Hope, CEO Zahn Consortium, member Death from Above alliance

This message is being sent to you as an instructional message from the TEARS alliance, who feel that you need some advice and guidance in light of your recent string of losses from same.

Specifically, regarding your attempt to establish a POS inside wormhole system J121915, several very obvious mistakes were made. These are listed below for your education.

1) When establishing a new POS, high priority must be given to defenses. Your team put up only a single large laser battery. A single battery is highly vulnerable and best practice is to place at least two batteries on opposite ends of the tower bubble, or not to place the POS at all. Four batteries, at 90 degree angles to each other, are preferred.

2) The choice of a large beam laser battery was poor. These weapons have extremely poor tracking (.001 rad/sec) and are easily speed tanked even by battleships while at close range. Large beam lasers are intended for defense against Dreadnought-class ships, which are impossible to place inside wormholes. The TEARS team had no problem removing this laser battery. In the future, you should limit yourself to medium batteries, and in multiples (see #1 above).

3) Once the POS was put into reinforced mode, it had only 5 hours of strontium. This was a reasonable period for the TEARS fleet to wait out. POS warfare best practices dictate that either 12 or 36 hours of strontium be available. As a POS is usually put into reinforced mode during peak hours for a fleet, 12 or 36 hours would be the opposite time of day and most inconvenient for the opposing fleet.

4) The fleet assembled to defend the POS was vastly underpowered. We record that a Brutix, Blackbird, Caracal, Tristan and two Iteron Mark IVs were destroyed, as well as a Maller that was captured. Not to mention the command ship piloted by the CEO of your alliance. Your team should not attempt to setup a POS unless at least 8 people with battle-cruiser class ships are available for defense.

5) Your team was not prepared for the closing of the wormhole and finding the new wormhole exit. The TEARS team placed several operatives inside the wormhole prior to it’s close, and was rapidly able to find the new exit. If your team located it, we saw no evidence that wormhole was ever used by your team.

We hope that with these tips and some experience, you may be able to successfully place a POS inside a wormhole without loss.

On a related note, I believe that Zedrik Cayne of the Standards and Practices (IEEE) group has started an investigation regarding the failure of your alliance to issue a formal war declaration, or hire mercenaries to do the same, against the TEARS alliance. As it has now been more than one week since this threat was issued, your record as a corporation will likely receive a reprimand. Other corporations may not take any of your threats seriously if you are unable to deliver on past ones. We suggest you correct the situation by providing us with a formal declaration of war, or a formal apology.

The TEARS team will continue to engage with targets from Zahn Consortium and Death From Above while this threat remains open.

Yours truly,
The TEARS Team

While I can’t speak entirely for my corporation, I will put forth a claim that there is only one thing that gets us more excited than tears from mission runners: Threats of war. In general, we welcome a good war. It gives us the chance to exercise our ninja skill in a different way. We use hit-and-run, ambush, and the ability to entirely vanish to confound and frustrate our war targets.

On the other hand, some mission runner corporations are all talk and no game. This is no fun at all, so we often have to bring the war to them. This can be by direct wardec, but it often is through sister corporations or by suicide ganking of strategic targets.

You may recall from this earlier post of drucore and the friend he ran crying to, Elizabeth Hope. Elizabeth promised war and hell, but failed to deliver. Over a week has passed without a wardec either from her alliance or from any mercenary corporation. In the interim two of our sister corporations – The Logistical Nightmare and IEEE – declared war on Zahn Consortium and proceeded to attack with out mercy. They even succeeded in pod killing Elizabeth Hope.

I logged in late Saturday to find that IEEE member Zedrik Cayne had located Elizabeth and a group of corp mates attempting to set up a medium Amarr POS inside a worm hole system, and with an entrance not far from Dodixie. While Zedrik suicided some of their neutral haulers, I and several Suddenly Ninja corpmates arrived in the wormhole with stealth bombers, preparing for a takedown the following day.

Elizabeth clearly expected we would be unable to do anything about this, dropping some smack talk in local when I decloaked from time to time to let them know I was still watching.

Elizabeth hope > Comon cloak up :)
Elizabeth hope > Don’t think we got people no cloaked too ;)
Elizabeth hope > go ahead set safe points, I’d love to see what you got Mr ninjas :)
Elizabeth hope > tomorrow this place will be full of people
Elizabeth hope > ta ta kessie lover tech II

I said nothing, but stayed on all the way until downtime to watch their lone Thorax pilot defend the medium POS and the large beam laser they had onlined.

When I logged back on Sunday afternoon, I found that a 15-strong Ninja And Friends Fleet had assembled, beat the living shit out of Zahn’s forces inside the wormhole, and was in the process of taking down the POS.

Zahn ships lost: Iteron Mark IV , Brutix, Tristan, Caracal, another Iteron Mark IV, a Blackbird, and some others from IEEE and/or Logistical Nightmare. They also stole an unpiloted Maller due to some epic fail with shield passwords (hint: don’t choose easy to guess passwords).

With their forces gone and a new wormhole opened just a little bit from our home of Dodixie, we were able to quickly put the medium POS into reinforced mode. Preparing for a 12 or 24 hour wait, we were gleeful when the reinforced mode counter was only five hours! We staged our ships and called in more forces as the time ran down. To be honest, we were hoping for a rematch with Elizabeth and company – POS destruction can be very tedious.

Our final real pew of the night came when MECHcore, who seems to be the CEO for which the alliance which Zahn Consortium belongs, logged in with a Vulture – inside the wormhole. Having the old wormhole gone he had to probe down the new exit, and we raced to scan him down. No fool to this game, he was warping around from place to place. We finally got him pinned and a pitched battle took place. We took out his Vulture at the cost of two stealth bombers, which we thought a good trade. He was a good sport about it even when we podded him.

After this it was almost easy; the tower went down with relative ease and we returned to our usual pastimes.

You may think we’re not worthy of your attention because we primarily play in high security space, making life hard for mission runners. Elizabeth thought that too – and her group lost a pile of ships and a shiny new tower. We are are very individualistic group, but when we get together we can yoink on a much larger scale. Don’t mess with Ninjas or our friends. And if you’re going to make threats, make good on them, or we will bring the pain to you.

Many EvE players don’t understand what Suddenly Ninjas is all about. For the mission and miner carebears, we’re mean folks who steal your stuff. For the “l33t hardcore” PvPers, we’re just some corp who grief people in highsec. But I’ll tell you what we’re about: Having fun with good corpmates while trying to make the game a little more challenging for players who don’t interact with anyone else. We salvage in missions because salvaging is reasonably profitable, and because it gets us right up in the face of mission runners.

When this goes well, it results in tears, and tears make the game worth playing. Internet spaceships paid with internet money made from shooting internet lasers at other internet ships – it’s not really anything real. When I can make some anonymous person on the other side of the country or planet scream obscenities at me – that’s real. Some players understand this and handle the loss of an internet spaceship with grace, but other players just break down into four year old children. That’s the two different kind of players we found ourselves with during a great fleet operation.

Our two friends are Tompoco and Adam Parvanehgohar, and they were happily pewing away at fake internet pirates when I warped into their mission ahead of my fleet. I got to work salvaging and stealing loot, but started to run into fire from a group of small NPCs who had stasis webifiers. This was going to kill my speed tank, so I aligned to a nearby celestial and prepared to warp. Our two bears must have thought they had a good target, because they locked me and then released drones at me. As soon as the drones hit, I warped off, informing my twenty-strong fleet that I now had aggression rights on these missioners and it was time to fire up the pew-boat.

It was about this time that Adam Parvanehgohar starts a convo with to attempt to gloat. I try to keep him going while docking up for a pew ship – I don’t want him to leave, after all.

Adam Parvanehgohar > hows ur almost dead AF?
Khalia Nestune > :(
Adam Parvanehgohar > u stole from us =P

30 seconds later I was warping back to the mission in a gank fit Harbinger with my remote-rep fleet hot behind me. Tompoco was flying a Drake, and Adam a Dominix. I wanted to go bold and take the Dominix, but he was out of warp disruptor range when I got there, and warps off seconds after I arrive. Way to support your corpmate, bro! So I lock up Tompoco and let fly with all I have, and my RR fleet shows up seconds later and pretty much prevents me from taking any damage at all.

When I got him half into armor I stop shooting so we can attempt to ransom his ship, but he starts shooting Paul Clavet, so I take him down. He’s actually got a decent fit for a mission runner. Tompoco hasn’t said anything at all yet, but Adam is good for tears:

Khalia Nestune > tell your drake pilot friend I like his T2 gear
Adam Parvanehgohar > fuck u
Khalia Nestune > <3 you too

We continue salvaging and looting the field. Adam starts flying in and out of the mission with a Rifter, warping off before we can get a lock on him – not that I’m sure what any of my fleet of RR mates is going do if they get a lock on him. He tries to get RR support from local, which we jump all over:

Adam Parvanehgohar > any1 here wanna kill fags and can RR?
Barlic > I have RR, invite?
Barlic > Oh shit your the douche who warped off lol, nevermind we just killed your corp mate
Tavrek > Me too!
Barlic > Try harder next time
Zed Jackelope > Adam, you can hire Logistical Nightmare for all your RR needs.
Tompoco > You guys accidentally the entire drake.
Adam Parvanehgohar > not really running when its an eintire blobb vs a rifter
Paul Clavet > you ran in your domi
Paul Clavet > vs a BC
Paul Clavet > fail

Now Tompoco as you might have noticed is taking this pretty well. In fact, as we continue on with our fleet op, it is apparent that he’s reasonable for a mission-bear, and Adam is the enraged four-year old – who didn’t even lose his ship. It gets so bad that Tompoco has to call out Adam in local.

Paul Clavet > Tompoco: Always cheat, always win. The only fair fight is the one you lose.
Tavrek > Those that refuse to fight dirty are morally obligated to lose.
Tompoco > Im not complaining. I have learned from this. I think I will start doing this to carebears now.
Tompoco > =)
Barlic > Oh? You should join our corp then.
Paul Clavet > Tompoco: That’s our goal, quite honestly
Adam Parvanehgohar > stop running away fags
Adam Parvanehgohar > i wanna kill u
Adam Parvanehgohar > come back =(
Tompoco > Well. I started this corp.
Tompoco > I liek it.
Barlic > Well obviously your corp mates failed, dump them, join us!
Tompoco > haha. No just adam fails.
Tompoco > I cant boot adam though. Who am I gunna steal isk from then?

At this point our RR fleet is warping off to get our salvage ships, and go harass different mission runners.

Adam Parvanehgohar > yes plz ditch me cause an eintire fleet is now running from my rifter?
Adam Parvanehgohar > everytime i head toward u, u warp off
Tompoco > Adam stop talking in local. Your making the entire corp look bad.
Emizeko Chai > you coulda told him that in corp lol
Tompoco > Naw that would involve changing chat channels. Im to lazy to do that.
Tavrek > However, your choice to do it here was pretty hillarious.
Khalia Nestune > You guys just made our night
Emizeko Chai > now you’ve shamed him in front of us

I like to think that this shows the difference between those who are playing the game as a game, and those who are taking their virtual ships a little too seriously. At the end of the day, Tompoco lost something like a dollar worth of ‘real’ value, if you were to buy the ISK (please don’t). He took it with grace. We may like tears, but we all respect those who can laugh it off and carry on.

I was beginning to feel like all I ever did was fleet work, so when I logged on yesterday I politely turned down fleet invites from other ninjas and struck out solo. I pulled my Helios scan ship out of my Orca, scanned down four hits, swapped for my vigil, and went to work. The first two hits were folks who had already salvaged (or already been hit by the NinjaFleet that was also running around Dodixie), the third hit was a good Serpentis field which I quickly picked clean, and the final hit was a Rogue Drone mission, which showed “Alute’s Megathron” on directional scanner.

The first room had an interesting wreck pattern:

So I salvaged and looted everything, warping the Orca into the first room to tractor in my cans.

I warped into the next room, where the Mega was working on a large NPC and several mediums. I salvaged and looted for a few minutes, ejecting loot as it filled my cargo hold, knowing that he probably knew the dangers (corp-wide aggro) of stealing from a can. He was just about to down the battleship when he targeted me. I zoomed out to get a clear view and made sure I was at full speed to evade his guns if he fired. Guns on missionbear ships typically can’t kill ninja frigates, but drones will do so in a hurry. Missionrunners often start firing their ineffectual guns first, giving the ninja plenty of time to get away before drones arrive. This missionbear understood that, so my first warning (I’m glad I zoomed out) was seeing his drones heading my way. I aligned for my safespot, waited a few seconds, and warped as soon as the first drone hit my shields.

I made the call in corp chat: “Need logistics, preferably shield RR. Have aggro on a mega.”

Khalia Nestune, Tavrek, and Zedrik Cayne answered the call, and were soon in fleet. I warped back to the first room where my Orca was stationed, swapped my Vigil for my Drake, waited for the first of my support fleet to warp in (Tavrek in an Osprey), and warped into the second room, instructing my friends not to warp in until I had a point, so that they wouldn’t spook him before I engaged.

Fortunately, I landed right on top of Alute’s Megathron. I started locking him, engaged my point, and fell into a tight orbit as I gave the all-clear to warp in. I began popping his T1 drones with my Warrior II’s, and his guns were mostly missing my relatively speedy battlecruiser, but it was pretty clear that I would need to do something different if I wanted to break his armor tank.

When Khalia arrived and began hitting me with a single small energy transfer array, Alute apparently decided that the Maller was a much greater RR threat than the Osprey (?!) and began firing at him. Little did the missionbear know that Khalia had fitted his cruiser in a “Surprise! Energy drain!” arrangement, and with aggro from being shot at, could unleash multiple medium Nos and Neut energy weapons. These are certainly not formidable at that size, but they were enough to cap out the missionrunning Megathron, whose tank immediately declared that it had had enough and was going to go vacation on a sandy beach someplace.

Alute’s Megathron assploded soon after.

I gave a hearty “gf” in local, but Alute never responded, and logged off about a minute later. I paid my support fleet five million ISK each for their help and expressed my gratitude.

Alute lost her ship because she made a series of mistakes. I will list them for you:

Do not shoot at ninjas.

If you do shoot at ninjas, get out of your mission and dock up until your aggro timer is up. Your PVE-fit ship will not fare well against even a ship of an inferior damage-dealing class.

If you do not dock up, at the very least don’t shoot at logistics ships that come to help gank you. Although remote repair is handy, the real motive is to get you to shoot more of us so that we can come back with something nasty and pew you. Had Alute not shot at Khalia, I might not have been able to break her tank, depending on how cap stable she was.

It was a nice 40-minute solo play night for me. Thanks to those that came and helped at the end.

It was a typical Sunday for Suddenly Ninjas. An impromptu salvage operation formed in Dodixie and proceeded to yoink anything of value from the 300 strong carebears online at that time. After a solid 4 to 5 hours of rape and pillage, our team was calling it a night and heading back to M20 station.

As I exit warp in front of the station, I notice an old friend in a new ship just leaving the station. “drucore is outside m20″, I say on Eve voice for Fleet, “and he’s flying a Hulk.”

This gets an immediate reaction from everyone. drucore provided the epic tears that generated the inaugural post on My Loot, Your Tears. This guy is truly a flying pinata, and we’re going to have to wack him a few times to see what comes out. We’ve got a new op now: suicide ganking that Hulk.

Paul and the rest of our team dock up to fit gank ships, mostly Thorax cruisers, while I tail drucore in the spare gank Omen I have lying around. I chase him a few systems out, and once we determine he’s started mining, we cover the non-lowsec exits and wait for the rest of the fleet to arrive.

drucore is mining in a 0.7 system, so we’re going to have at least a few seconds of good shots, and with five cruisers we think we’ve got it. Our covert ops scout gets to with in 2500 meters of the Hulk, we all align for him, and get ready to ruin his day.

We warp, decloak, target… and due to some miscommunication on voice, we do not all fire at once. Concord arrives slightly ahead of schedule, and pops us soon after. With drucore’s Hulk deep into structure but not dead.

There’s the expected smacktalk from drucore in local about this, and we all fall back to ponder what exactly happened. We decide that our plan was good but our timing and communications were off. We lost a few million in cruisers (insured of course), and I leave a oh-so-true comment for our target as we depart:

Khalia Nestune> don’t worry, we’ll be back soon ;)

Not content to let this slide, Paul posts up on the Suddenly Ninjas message board a 50M ISK bounty for the destruction of said Hulk. This is a capital idea and I donate an additional 25M. This idiot is going down, one way or another.

After an hour or so break, I come back to divide the loot from our earlier op, and find that word of our 75M bounty has quickly spread. Oh, and people just want to pop drucore because he’s just that retarded, money or no. We form up another gank group: Michella, Lars Foolbane, myself (as an alt), and our CEO Velocity Prime.

We’re not fucking around any more: It’s time to stomp this douchebag into the ground hard. Michella and I are going to use Stealth Bombers, Lars and VP with Caracals. Missile damage UP YOUR ASS.

We track down drucore to the Ney system, and have a small moment of glee: This idiot almost got ganked in a 0.7 system, so he moves to a 0.5 system! We’re going to have plenty of time before Concord arrives. We find him in moments, and set up the two SBs at 10km ranges. He’s not even aligned to anything, just mining away into his hold. After that, it’s easy: Caracals warp to us, we decloak, target him, and blast the ever loving shit out of the Hulk.

http://tears.evekb.co.uk/?a=kill_detail&kll_id=830773

Note the awesome fail of four Invuln Fields. Stacking penalities? What are those?

Tears (and cheers from others in local) are soon to come:

Johanes Miller > CAREBEAR STARE
Michella > CAREBEAR STARE
Lars Foolsbane > CAREBEAR STARE
Funky Brown > lulz
Velocity Prime > CAREBEAR STARE
Funky Brown > macro miner?
Johanes Miller > asswipe we don’t like =)
Funky Brown > well, so long as he had it coming
Johanes Miller > yes, yes he did
Funky Brown > nice style btw
Johanes Miller > thanks
H’our Effsee > lol was wondering why red skulls popping up in local
drucore > fucking cowards
drucore > attacking a hulk
Lars Foolsbane > what was that you said earlier about us never getting you?
Johanes Miller > hmm?
Michella > suck it baby, suck it like an out of work porn star
Johanes Miller > two SBs and two caracals: total price 60M. One hulk: Total price 190M (rigs? really?)
Johanes Miller > win: epic
drucore > u think i care u just started a war that you cannot win
Velocity Prime > lol
Johanes Miller > Bring it, we like killing things :D

It gets better, as drucore calls his mommy… er, his friend, Elizabeth Hope, who proceeds to threaten us with wardecs, Goonswarm, veneral disease, dogs and cats living together, etc:

drucore > theres there leader
Michella > yep I did it
Michella > all me
Michella > and well worth it
Elizabeth hope > Well hello Michella ;)
Michella > o/
Elizabeth hope > Hows your ship holding?
Elizabeth hope > I have a wonderful offer for you
Elizabeth hope > very very wonderful
Michella > orly?
Elizabeth hope > Yes, I rather you decline it, but pay this guy back for his ship or I will take it from your salvage without a 2nd thought
Elizabeth hope > Also if you think I am bluffing
Elizabeth hope > I doubt your alliance would like to have a Major war on their hands would they
drucore > i had 2 cargo optimizers on the ship
Michella > are you fucking kidding? we love wars
Elizabeth hope > Sorry my bad
Elizabeth hope > Slaughtering
Elizabeth hope > 30 alliances in my reach, formed 3000 coalition that did 26 bil worth of damage to goonswarm
Elizabeth hope > I’m prepped are you?
Michella > yep, like I said we love wars
Elizabeth hope > K, hey dru
drucore > yes
Michella > if you really want to dec our alliance because of this nooblar, plz bring it
Elizabeth hope > Go ahead and kick her no worries bro we got ya
Elizabeth hope > No longer for drama
Elizabeth hope > time to show than talk
Elizabeth hope > Kick her

The awesome fail of this is evident as we check Elizabeth’s corp and find it five days old and the alliance is under one month old with 47 characters. Even SN has almost three times that many! They try to talk shit with me, too:

drucore > johanes talk shit now bitch
Johanes Miller > great, are you going to try to threaten me now too?
Johanes Miller > so I can lol
Elizabeth hope > Well hello Johanes :)
Johanes Miller > and you can be all “pay me back or I’ll war dec you?”
Elizabeth hope > Why the fuck would I threaten
Johanes Miller > and then we care?
Elizabeth hope > I don’t
Elizabeth hope > I promise
Elizabeth hope > Listen here
Elizabeth hope > If Goonswarm don’t fuck with me
Elizabeth hope > You better not either
Johanes Miller > lawl
Elizabeth hope > lawl all you want ;)
Johanes Miller > Privs stopped decing us because they couldn’t get any ISK
Johanes Miller > so bring it
Elizabeth hope > I will gift wrap it
drucore > lol i think u were just hiding
drucore > like pussyes
Johanes Miller > My bombers will be ready
Johanes Miller > anyways, we await your lameass dec
Johanes Miller > buh-bye

And then we get some more tears, and smack him around for good measure, before leaving system:

drucore > lol u want death it will come
Johanes Miller > also, a merc corp that’s only 4 days old? really? LULZ
Lars Foolsbane > Awesome. I’m looking forward to this.
drucore > umm u underestamate my friends
drucore > lolz
drucore > id talk to my other one if he wernt in war
Johanes Miller > like we underestimated SelnaRey who warped off when we shot your phoon? rofl
Johanes Miller > Bring it douchefag!
drucore > he was in my corp
Johanes Miller > We’ll fuck you and your momma
drucore > theres a difference
Johanes Miller > all the way back to Amarr sticks
drucore > lol talk shit now regret it later
Johanes Miller > Bring it, fag-frog
Johanes Miller > any day
Lola Zor > johanes > spare us, open a convo
Johanes Miller > tell it to that guy
drucore > i opened a convo with ur leader
drucore > u want me to brign u to my same friend really
Johanes Miller > I’m still lawling at your ‘friends’ corp
Johanes Miller > which is like a week old
Johanes Miller > or less
drucore > who said it would be his corp attacking
Johanes Miller > whatever
Johanes Miller > Privateers even stopped decing us =)
Velocity Prime > well, I’d love to stay, cupcake, but I’m leaving the system
Velocity Prime > toodles
drucore > pussies
Johanes Miller > sorry, the only thing getting fucked was your Hulk
Johanes Miller > bye now!

Later, Velocity Prime decides to one-up the ante and sends an Evemail to the CEO of Goonswarm regarding the fearsome Elizabeth Hope.

o7 Darius,

A few of the boys and myself had a little hulk ganking session tonight. Of course it was followed up by massive smack and threats of hiring mercs etc etc etc…

Elizabeth hope, member of Zahn Consortuim claims that she’s so bad ass that Goons won’t even mess with her. Is this true? Says she did 26 bil worth of damage to you guys.

Anyway, thought I’d let you know. ;)

Link 1: http://pastebin.com/m2613e3ed
Link 2: http://pastebin.com/mc5e8b18

Fly it like you stole it,

Velocity Prime
CEO Tear Extraction And Reclamation Service
CEO Suddenly Ninjas

This was perhaps the best 30M I ever spent. Sweet, sweet tears and a bonus wardec threat. Here is hoping it comes through, as we have even more fun with a good war.

And the lessons for drucore? It’s hard to enumerate them all because of how much FAIL he brings to the table, but perhaps he’s learned to not AFK mine in 0.5 space!

o/

I’m Michella and I’m a tearaholic. Not like a normal “pirate” who enjoys blowing up internet spaceships for internet moneyz, I like blowing up internet spaceships so when people go to work on Monday they don’t have anything to fondly look back on when grinding through their day. I say this because, for the most part, people in EvE don’t have fun, they work a second job. Mining, missioning, etc… All very tedious and lamesauce. For this there can only be one remedy: Excitement!

How do you excite a poor sad little carebear, you ask? Easy. You ruin his day. Steal his hard earned (yea, right) salvage (not earned), loot (not hard) or ore (afk mining while watching TV is like welfare in EvE). Blow up his ship (decent rage most of the time). Or question his manhood (decent rage all the time). People might ask, “Mich, how the hell is this a good thing for them?”. The answer: A two parter. One, it makes them seek vengeance, which leads to natural evolution. IE: they have a reason to try harder next time. Two, it makes all the other care bears in local happy it wasn’t them, and also happy someone is crying. So really, everyone is happy.

To those ends, I present why you guys shouldn’t mine.

We here at SN love tears. We named an alliance after them, they fuel our ships, and it’s pretty much why we do what we do. You miners make the game much more interesting. You buy a 100M ISK internet spaceship, equip it with no tank whatsoever, and engage in parking your new beautiful and expensive ship in the exact same spot in space for hours at a time.

Recently we conducted our Field Trip (in which we leave fair Dixie to go and torment other people who haven’t heard of us yet). Paul recieved the following tears during our away game:

[ 2009.08.08 22:18:32 ] DarkMan MSKIX > Hi
[ 2009.08.08 22:18:33 ] Paul Clavet > PAUL CLAVET HERE FOR SUDDENLY NINJAS
[ 2009.08.08 22:18:46 ] Paul Clavet > DO YOU RUN WORLDS COLIDE?
[ 2009.08.08 22:18:53 ] Paul Clavet > DO YOU LIKE TURNING IN MISSIONS?
[ 2009.08.08 22:19:22 ] Paul Clavet > THEN YOU NEED A HERON SHIP’S CREW
[ 2009.08.08 22:19:31 ] DarkMan MSKIX > How match ?
[ 2009.08.08 22:19:39 ] Paul Clavet > FOR THE LOW LOW PRICE OF 20M ISK, YOU TOO CAN HAVE 10 CREW MEMBERS!
[ 2009.08.08 22:19:43 ] Paul Clavet > BUT WAIT!
[ 2009.08.08 22:19:45 ] Paul Clavet > THERE’S MORE!
[ 2009.08.08 22:19:57 ] DarkMan MSKIX > How Match ?
[ 2009.08.08 22:19:57 ] Paul Clavet > ORDER NOW AND RECEIVE DOUBLE THE CREW MEMBERS!
[ 2009.08.08 22:20:19 ] Paul Clavet > THAT’S RIGHT!
[ 2009.08.08 22:20:29 ] DarkMan MSKIX > How Match &
[ 2009.08.08 22:20:31 ] DarkMan MSKIX > ?
[ 2009.08.08 22:20:32 ] Paul Clavet > 20 SHIP’S CREW FOR ONLY 20 MILLION ISK!
[ 2009.08.08 22:20:37 ] Paul Clavet > OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY!
[ 2009.08.08 22:21:24 ] Paul Clavet > BUT WAIT!
[ 2009.08.08 22:21:34 ] Paul Clavet > IF YOU ORDER IN THE NEXT 10 MINUTES, YOU GET FREE SHIPPING!
[ 2009.08.08 22:21:50 ] DarkMan MSKIX > 5kk
[ 2009.08.08 22:22:05 ] Paul Clavet > I’M AFRAID YOU DIDN’T HEAR ME
[ 2009.08.08 22:22:13 ] Paul Clavet > I’M PAUL CLAVET!
[ 2009.08.08 22:22:23 ] Paul Clavet > AND I’M OFFERING 20 CREW MEMBERS FOR ONLY 20 MILLION ISK!
[ 2009.08.08 22:22:32 ] DarkMan MSKIX > 5kk or GTFO
[ 2009.08.08 22:22:36 ] Paul Clavet > ORDER NOW AND
[ 2009.08.08 22:22:39 ] Paul Clavet > *hurk*
[ 2009.08.08 22:22:42 ] Paul Clavet > *falls over*
[ 2009.08.08 22:23:25 ] DarkMan MSKIX > 5rr or GTFO
[ 2009.08.08 22:23:34 ] DarkMan MSKIX > 5kk or GTFO
[ 2009.08.08 22:23:44 ] Paul Clavet > thanks for calling!
[ 2009.08.08 22:23:55 ] Paul Clavet > I’ll just GTFO now and sell them on contract
[ 2009.08.08 22:24:29 ] DarkMan MSKIX > ))))
[ 2009.08.08 22:24:38 ] DarkMan MSKIX > Good luck
[ 2009.08.08 22:24:59 ] DarkMan MSKIX > new offer 8kk
[ 2009.08.08 22:25:14 ] Paul Clavet > I’m sorry, this is Paul Clavet’s wife.
[ 2009.08.08 22:25:21 ] Paul Clavet > He seems to have overdosed
[ 2009.08.08 22:25:26 ] Paul Clavet > I’m afraid the offer is closed
[ 2009.08.08 22:25:56 ] DarkMan MSKIX > ok a’m failing mission
[ 2009.08.08 22:26:13 ] DarkMan MSKIX > last offer 9kk
[ 2009.08.08 22:26:22 ] Paul Clavet > Ship’s Crew x 20 (Item Exchange)
[ 2009.08.08 22:27:08 ] DarkMan MSKIX > do you accept or not ?
[ 2009.08.08 22:27:26 ] Paul Clavet > There’s your contract.
[ 2009.08.08 22:27:32 ] Paul Clavet > Take it or leave it. Thanks.

Paul Clavet just might have been injected with the reincarnation of Billy Mays, minus the blue shirt and the heart condition.

These tears came from some silly miners who decided to run an op inside a mission. Everytime we would check back on them we would flip their can and take their loots…..You know, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Just a thought.

[ 2009.08.09 01:18:30 ] alpjumper1 > hi…
[ 2009.08.09 01:18:48 ] alpjumper1 > by the way we will not shoot at you, and we wont let you get any of the ore we are mining.
[ 2009.08.09 01:18:51 ] Paul Clavet > 2M ISK to leave you alone for the night
[ 2009.08.09 01:19:01 ] alpjumper1 > so that being said you can prob make more money elseware.
[ 2009.08.09 01:19:09 ] alpjumper1 > no deal
[ 2009.08.09 01:19:19 ] Paul Clavet > Now that you’ve whined, we’re going to visit you several more times
[ 2009.08.09 01:23:16 ] alpjumper1 > i was just staiting the facts. not whining.
[ 2009.08.09 01:24:06 ] alpjumper1 > you have nto come back yet… im starting to miss you already

[ 2009.08.09 01:35:47 ] alpjumper1 > sup?
[ 2009.08.09 01:35:51 ] Paul Clavet > Not worth it, huh?
[ 2009.08.09 01:38:37 ] alpjumper1 > no im just going to sleep
[ 2009.08.09 01:40:15 ] Paul Clavet > fine then, we’ll see you tomorrow
[ 2009.08.09 01:41:08 ] alpjumper1 > great!
[ 2009.08.09 01:41:13 ] alpjumper1 > good night

 In doing so we realized that the system we were in (Umokka) was plagued by miners, mostly Hulks. Since were currently involved in a hulk killing rampage contest, we figured we would help you guys learn a few valuable lessons in the form of ship destruction.

To accomplish this requires three things. 1) A rather precarious ship fitting. 2) A live and let die attitude. 3) An absolutely epic team slogan.

With that I present GankTeam CareBear!

Our target in Umokka:

Was a seven month old miner, and a Director in Dark Nubula (oops I mean Nebula) Academy [DNAC].

We took our time formulating a plan of attack and began on implementing it. A scout was sent out to the asteroid belt, and placed near the target. Catalysts were put in place aligned to the belt and on the go command we simultaneously warped in on the target. Drones were launched, targets acquired, points engaged and guns blazed. Less than 8 seconds later the Hulk exploded in a blaze of wasted ISK, miner shock and burning ore. “CARE BEAR STARE” our new team motto was pasted out into local and CONCORD, our illustrious internet spaceship polizei showed up to learn us a lesson. As the pilot got her wits about her and began to warp off and CONCORD was decimating our numbers we were all surprised as Ninja/Pirate Cussbeard the Bastardly targeted, pointed and blazed the players pod, sending the pilot careening off to its clone and tolling a 130M ISK loss (Hooray Cussbeard!).

All in all our total ISK loss was less than 3M, whereas the total estimated Hulk loss with implants was around 350M. Greater than 100 to 1 (Target 1 ).

Paul, being rather deceptive in nature had the following conversation with the sad, and quite impressively silly carebear:

[ 2009.08.09 03:06:53 ] Paul Clavet > Did someone from our corp just shoot you?
[ 2009.08.09 03:07:09 ] Aileya Lanner > auh yeah
[ 2009.08.09 03:07:12 ] Aileya Lanner > lost a hulk
[ 2009.08.09 03:07:15 ] Paul Clavet > what were you in?
[ 2009.08.09 03:07:26 ] Paul Clavet > they didn’t kill your pod, did they?
[ 2009.08.09 03:07:35 ] Aileya Lanner > yes they did
[ 2009.08.09 03:07:37 ] Paul Clavet > You need to eve mail the ceo
[ 2009.08.09 03:07:40 ] Paul Clavet > velocity prime
[ 2009.08.09 03:07:51 ] Paul Clavet > he can reimburse your implants and ships
[ 2009.08.09 03:07:56 ] Aileya Lanner > yeah my corp is not happy about it
[ 2009.08.09 03:07:58 ] Paul Clavet > but he’ll need the total
[ 2009.08.09 03:08:18 ] Paul Clavet > did you lose implants?
[ 2009.08.09 03:08:36 ] Aileya Lanner > yes
[ 2009.08.09 03:08:44 ] Paul Clavet > What implants?
[ 2009.08.09 03:08:51 ] Paul Clavet > And did you have your clone up to date?
[ 2009.08.09 03:09:00 ] Paul Clavet > I’m copying all this for the ceo, btw
[ 2009.08.09 03:09:01 ] Aileya Lanner > yes
[ 2009.08.09 03:09:16 ] Aileya Lanner > so can you explain to me what is going on?
[ 2009.08.09 03:09:21 ] Paul Clavet > You’ll need to eve mail velocity prime with a detailed listing of what you lost
[ 2009.08.09 03:09:26 ] Paul Clavet > yeah, they decided to suicide gank you
[ 2009.08.09 03:09:32 ] Paul Clavet > I’m not sure they’re allowed to do that
[ 2009.08.09 03:10:21 ] Paul Clavet > What implants did you lose? +3? +4?
[ 2009.08.09 03:10:39 ] Aileya Lanner > +4s
[ 2009.08.09 03:11:07 ] Paul Clavet > ok
[ 2009.08.09 03:11:20 ] Paul Clavet > I’ll send this to velocity prime. Will you eve mail him with your account of what happened?
[ 2009.08.09 03:11:44 ] Aileya Lanner > mkay
[ 2009.08.09 03:12:08 ] Aileya Lanner > so you guys have a gang or what?
[ 2009.08.09 03:12:18 ] Paul Clavet > well, we were salvaging earlier
[ 2009.08.09 03:12:22 ] Paul Clavet > but I think they got bored
[ 2009.08.09 03:13:39 ] Aileya Lanner > I guess so
[ 2009.08.09 03:13:46 ] Aileya Lanner > so is this what your corp does?
[ 2009.08.09 03:13:54 ] Paul Clavet > no, we do salvaging
[ 2009.08.09 03:13:59 ] Paul Clavet > we hire ourselves out
[ 2009.08.09 03:15:23 ] Aileya Lanner > so you werent part of this?
[ 2009.08.09 03:15:28 ] Paul Clavet > I was in the fleet
[ 2009.08.09 03:15:31 ] Paul Clavet > but I was eating dinner
[ 2009.08.09 03:21:58 ] Aileya Lanner > looks like you guys take hulks all the time
[ 2009.08.09 03:22:11 ] Paul Clavet > it’s sort of an ongoing issue
[ 2009.08.09 03:22:19 ] Paul Clavet > the private forums had the CEO telling us to stop
[ 2009.08.09 03:22:32 ] Paul Clavet > which is why I think he will reimburse you
[ 2009.08.09 03:23:43 ] Aileya Lanner > Looks like it all started a week ago
[ 2009.08.09 03:23:50 ] Paul Clavet > yep
[ 2009.08.09 03:23:55 ] Paul Clavet > and the CEO has been away a bit
[ 2009.08.09 03:24:02 ] Aileya Lanner > why dont you kick them out?
[ 2009.08.09 03:24:10 ] Aileya Lanner > your a director just like I am
[ 2009.08.09 03:24:10 ] Paul Clavet > Well, there was no hard fast rule
[ 2009.08.09 03:24:16 ] Paul Clavet > I’m not allowed to kick
[ 2009.08.09 03:24:22 ] Paul Clavet > even though I have the roles

After this kill we were all very pleased with ourselves and decided to go find another target. I flew to some of my old haunts and decided on Venilen.

Our target in Venilen:

Was a ten month old miner, generic foolish carebear and member of Free Masons United Inc [FMUI].

I scouted the target and noted he was mining to a can so I cloaked up my little scout frig and meandered my way up to the can to BM it as a trajectory point for the Teams insertion. As I was about 10km out his hauler bot warped in and in the process decloaked me (OHNOES!). I reapplied my cloak and hung out while Zavulon Sukkot went out and purchased / fitted our required gank ships (Thorax this time). Since we only had four people in on this gank we required a bit more expenditure, so going into it we knew the kill ratio wouldn’t be as good as the previous kill.

Our silly little miner, well aware that a Covert Ops frig had just decloaked right next to his can refused to stop jetcan mining and my plan of attack became evident. I had Cussbeard fly out in his Covert Ops frig to resume my scouting duties as I got into TenderHeart Bear (my belvoed Thorax). I instructed Cussbeard to let us know when the jetcan was getting close to full and when he did, we struck.

The warp out command was given and we stormed off from our safe spot to the miner’s can. As we arrived we locked him up launched our myriad of drones and opened fire on him. The Hulk popped under the pressure of our blaster might and the pilot ran like his ass was on fire.

Not two minuted after the carebear’s precious ship popped he ragequit for the night. Nothing makes me happier here, it means he’s going to goto bed hating me and thinking up new ways to screw me or my ilk over.

All in all our total ISK loss was less than 10M, whereas the total estimated Hulk loss was around 110M including the ore in the jetcan, which was near full. Greater than 10 to 1 (Target 2).

Now, what is the lesson here and how is it helpful to the players that took such a epic loss? Maybe next time when a Covert Ops frig makes an epic mistake like I did they’ll leave? Maybe next time a catalyst sits right next to them for over thirty minutes while we setup they’ll leave? Maybe next time they will try to equip a shield booster and some better tank? Or who knows….and this is a big step here…maybe next time they will take the time to train the skills to make sure a small, poorly armed gank squad can’t own them in the face and get a 100 to 1 ISK victory.

Carebears say ninjas don’t provide any valuable service to the EvE community at large, I greatly disagree. We make the community at large smarter, more cunning, and a bit cooler to the fact that in this game loss happens frequently. Some of us even choose to take a loss to make someone take a greater loss, or just to make a point.

What do you guys think?