Archive for the Duffers Category

Back in the Sadae, I Mean, Saddle

Posted in Combat, Duffers on March 21, 2013 by paul

So, I’m back, after about eight months away. As a small business owner, I get to decide when I work. As a small business owner with a crushing inferiority complex and a massive fear of bankruptcy, I had been deciding to basically work all the time, despite the business doing very, very well. When my wife told me that I needed to find a hobby or I was probably going to die, I took the hint and dove back into Eve.

Reading Aiden’s blog convinced me to try to connect with a large hisec/griefing corporation ASAP. My first thought was to hook up with Quality Assurance in the Marmite Collective, being largely made up of former Suddenly Ninjas members and having access to thousands of war targets. Sadly, it was an odd time of the week and nobody from Marmites was on to talk to me, so I got snapped up by Psychotic Monk (for CSM!) and placed in Skunkworks. Skunkworks is a very small, but very focused group of griefers, and while I made friends there who I’m sure I’ll work with on stuff again, there just weren’t enough targets and fleetmates around. With a stream of apologies and rationalizations stringing behind me, I departed Skunkworks and joined Quality Assurance.

On my first day in the Marmite Collective, I thought I’d made a huge mistake. I was sitting in the Standing Fleet channel of the Teamspeak server, looking at the heading which read, “PVP Channel. Keep chat to a minimum. Listen to the FC!” As I read this, I was listening to a member with an annoying drawl (maybe intoxicated?) brag about how his multi-box mining setup was making him space-rich. He wasn’t joking, and when I pointed out that mining is awful, another pilot in channel spoke up and pointed out that it’s a great way to make money. Face. Palm.

Shaking my head but tempted by all the War Targets out in space, I undocked and began hunting on gates. There! Three war-targets with a history of battleship losses in a dead-end system, and not docked. I let the others on Teamspeak know what I’d found, and asked for folks to x up in chat so I could get fleet invites out. I expected everyone to be chomping at the bit as I was. Instead, the response was “Eh. I’m having an OK time sitting on the Amarr undock.” I… OK. What?

The system with my war targets was three jumps from Amarr. When I went in to try to find them, they all slipped out the gate and got away. I shook my fist, re-subscribed my scanning alt account, and bitterly complained in the Skunkworks channel about what a horrible mistake I’d made. I’d stick it out for a while because of the war target selection, but dayum. It was gonna get lonely here, fast.

I saw a fellow Quality Assurance member bouncing among the voice channels, and when he eventually settled into the channel for the Ghost Headquarters corp, I rudely hopped in uninvited and had a listen to a pilot I’d never met before named BodyMassageMachine.

“OK, I’ve got eyes on (pilot name) in local, and he’s not docked. Warp to the (system) gate and hold, since this is the most likely return path for him.”

Success! I immediately imposed on them and asked to join up. Before long I was in a gang of patient, rational hunters, looking for carebears to violence. I wasn’t being terribly useful in my Incursus, but I was having fun, and my scanning alt came in handy a couple of times. We looked around a bit, almost caught a few targets, and decided to head back home for the night.

You know how that goes. You always get the best kills after you’ve decided to wrap it up for the day. While headed back to Amarr, BodyMassageMachine reported that his scout saw a war target in the next system, so we should hold on gate while he figured out what’s up.

“There she is on the gate. Crane! Hold on the other side!”

“She’s waiting a bit to uncloak. Overheat those mids. We’ll probably miss her.”


210077179_128And so she was. Cranes and other cloaky haulers are VERY safe in hisec, but you have to use them properly. As soon as you move after a gate jump, you lose your cloak. The animation on your screen shows you slowly rippling into visibility, but in reality you pop right out and can be locked the instant you start moving. Our quarry apparently didn’t know this, and paid the price. The Loot Fairy was kind to us, dispensing 2 billion of the 2.5billion that Sadae’s Crane was hauling.

As I mentioned to my new friends, being there in an Incursus made me feel like the guy who agreed to help move the piano and rushed to grab the stool. I’ll probably be trading it for Steam Cat’s Enyo fit called “Dubstep Kitty”, a 500-DPS monster of a frigate.

And so Marmite Collective redeemed itself to its newest member. The conclusion I’ve reached is that Marmite casts a *very* wide net, catching both hardened hunters and misfit carebears just ill-tempered enough to not fit in elsewhere. If you hang out in the regular channels, you’re going to have a bad time. Dig just a little bit, however, and you can find both like-minded comrades AND lots of targets.

Oh yes. We are going to make some people sad.

Now THIS is how you make a recruitment video!

Posted in Duffers on May 17, 2011 by paul

The stolen Eve trailer video combined with screenshots taken with a camera pointed at a monitor combine to create a mosaic of awesome unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. Also, posting with the same account as used for wedding video really adds a depth of meaningfulness that is lacking in so many video channels these days.

Found while watching the recruitment channel for victims.

Find more terrible Eve corp recruitment videos, and share them in the comments.

Chase08888 Hands Paul Clavet 600M ISK

Posted in Capers, Duffers, E-honor on March 24, 2011 by paul

Remember back in October of 2009 when Michella infiltrated Transfixion?

A young man named Chase08888/Chase88888 was one of the primary victims of that infiltration and the subsequent extortion. It appears that shortly after that caper, he dropped corp and left on bad terms with the leadership. Even though he KNEW that it was my habit to take victims’ money and walk away, and had contacted me several times in the months following, asking what it would take to hire me to infiltrate them again. Of course I had no intention of doing so, but I offered to hit them for an Orca, which at that time was valued at approximately 600M ISK. He said that he didn’t have the money, and I forgot all about him.

This evening, about a year and a half after I robbed Chase, lied to him, and robbed him again, he opened a convo out of the blue.

Paul Clavet > yes?
Chase08888 > u still in the inflitraing corps biz?
Paul Clavet > Perhaps.
chase88888 > =p
Paul Clavet > If you’ve got a point, please present it
chase88888 > sorry
chase88888 > uhh kindof of hard to get to the point if i dont know if you capable or doign it
Paul Clavet > I am capable of anything. What did you need?
chase88888 > are you still able to inflitrate corps or not
Paul Clavet > Yes, I have three alts ready
chase88888 > ok
chase88888 > what are the prices?
Paul Clavet > Looking to hire me finally?
Paul Clavet > Tell me what you’re wanting done
chase88888 > transfixion hit again
chase88888 > kill them or rob them idc
Paul Clavet > let’s see… they have 63 members now
Paul Clavet > still live in a wormhole?
chase88888 > idk
chase88888 > i have been out of thier corp for over a year
chase88888 > prolly
Paul Clavet > Are you wanting them stolen from, or ganked, or what?
chase88888 > stolen
Paul Clavet > How much have you got?
Paul Clavet > I will need at least enough to plex one of my ready alts for two months
chase88888 > liquid about 700m. 🙁 just bought an archon
Paul Clavet > Basically the way it works is that you pay for my account for two months. When I steal, you get 50% of whatever I steal, and I pay you back the two plex
chase88888 > ok
chase88888 > what do plexs go for these days? (been in 0.0)
Paul Clavet > When I stole from them before I got 8 billion ISK
chase88888 > nice
chase88888 > they run an allaince now… so idk if that makes a differance
Paul Clavet > Plex are about 350 mil each in this area… I would accept a little less because I can get them cheaper
Paul Clavet > so 600 mil up front
Paul Clavet > of course you get the 600 mil back plus half what I steal
chase88888 > rgr
Paul Clavet > I could start when my vacation starts actually, in 4 days
chase88888 > kk
Paul Clavet > So if you’ll pay me today I’ll activate the alt and start getting him in
chase88888 > will do
Paul Clavet > just send it to this character
chase88888 > i have to sell something on an alt they will
Paul Clavet > ok
Paul Clavet > just convo me when you send it
Paul Clavet > kinda excited about getting them again
Paul Clavet > Troy was a dick
chase88888 > lol
chase88888 > if u can
Paul Clavet > oh I will 🙂
chase88888 > get my sparky110 corpse
Paul Clavet > I still have insider information on them, will make it really easy to get in
chase88888 > ill give u 50m for it
Paul Clavet > OK, if I get it it’s yours
chase88888 > 🙂
chase88888 > main reason i want towhack them.. guy was a faggot
chase88888 > i ahve 500m right now if u want me to send it.. then i will send u the rest?
Paul Clavet > yeah, be sure to remind me when you send the final 100M
chase88888 > kk

He sends the money.

chase88888 > sent
chase88888 > get it?
Paul Clavet > OK, make sure you convo me when you send the final 100M
Paul Clavet > yeah, I got the 500M
chase88888 > kk
Paul Clavet > OK, I gotta go. I’ll start the preliminary information gathering
Paul Clavet > now here’s another option
Paul Clavet > if you can pay me an additional plex, I can get a second character in
Paul Clavet > that way when I hit them and get kicked out, I can hit them again shortly after
Paul Clavet > I’ve done it a couple times now, it’s completely devastating
chase88888 > i would but once i send the other 100m i will only have 18m left
Paul Clavet > it won’t pay much on the second hit because I will have taken most of their stuff
chase88888 > fucking HUNS keeping me from jewing
Paul Clavet > ok well, we’ll work with what we have
chase88888 > sorry 🙁
chase88888 > iw ould love to do it
chase88888 > i would love to kill that allaince also
Paul Clavet > Maybe you have some assets you could contract instead? Maybe an orca or something?
Paul Clavet > You’re about to be fucking rich when I rip them off, so it won’t matter 🙂
chase88888 > nah got nothign
Paul Clavet > You could always buy a GTC
chase88888 > i could lol
chase88888 > tbh all i have it is my archon and harby
Paul Clavet > well hmmm
Paul Clavet > This would take about two weeks
Paul Clavet > so you send me the archon as security deposit
Paul Clavet > I get the second character in
chase88888 > nah
Paul Clavet > I can send you back the 200M, so you’ll have 300M walking around money
chase88888 > i need the archon
Paul Clavet > you’d get it back as soon as I stole
chase88888 > nah i need it for ops and moving shit
chase88888 > the arhcon is staying with mee.. sorry
Paul Clavet > fair enough, you might change your mind when you think about the entire alliance imploding 🙂
Paul Clavet > but of course I understand
chase88888 > ya but i need this for allaince and corp ops and shit… and moving stuff around
Paul Clavet > OK…. well for now we’ll do just the one character. If you decide you want a one-two punch you can always GTC.
Paul Clavet > Of course, if you wanted to REALLY splatter them I could hire mercs to work with me
Paul Clavet > start an attack on their POS as soon as I hit them the first time
chase88888 > lol
Paul Clavet > then the second character betrays them right as the POS attack starts
Paul Clavet > instant failure 🙂
chase88888 > 🙂
Paul Clavet > but I understand if you don’t want to do that… it’d be worth it but it’s an awful lot of money
chase88888 > ya it would be
chase88888 > ill get the other 100m withen the next hour
Paul Clavet > OK, make sure you get in touch with me when you do so I don’t miss it
chase88888 > kk
Paul Clavet > as a summary, to hit them twice would be another 300M, and to hire mercs to completely wipe their POS from space is an additional 750M.
Paul Clavet > Just in case you decide to GTC
Paul Clavet > last alliance we did that to disbanded
chase88888 > may i ask what mercs?
Paul Clavet > It’s a group that doesn’t do public contracts
chase88888 > like who?
chase88888 > ninjas
chase88888 > ?
Paul Clavet > a lot of them were involved in Underworld Excavators
chase88888 > ahh ok
Paul Clavet > there are a few Noir. pilots that work with them
Paul Clavet > but they have dreads and supercarriers
chase88888 > oh ok cool
chase88888 > ill ltink about it
Paul Clavet > it’s pretty fucking terrifying
chase88888 > meh we lost a titan saturday
chase88888 > (my corp)
Paul Clavet > They do need a couple weeks notice though, so if you decide you want this to coincide with my second hit you’d need to pay today or tomorrow
chase88888 > ok
chase88888 > i dont think that second hit will happen ttbh
Paul Clavet > like I said, you could give the archon, that would get you the whole package (if fitted) and you could replace the archon in two weeks
Paul Clavet > but it’s your call, that’s a lot to trust me with
chase88888 > nah keeping the archon
Paul Clavet > but as you know, I’m very good at this
chase88888 > ya but im keeping th archon.
Paul Clavet > then I guess it would have to be GTC 🙂
chase88888 > ya lol
chase88888 > idk il think about it
Paul Clavet > OK, you know where to find me bud
Paul Clavet > let me know when you finalize the transaction, and I’ll start the ball rolling
Paul Clavet > you only have about a day to decide if you wanna go for the full implosion option
Paul Clavet > o/
chase88888 > rgr

A little while later, he sent the additional 100M and stated that this was all he wanted to commit to the endeavor.

At that point I revealed it was a scam and attempted to extort an additional 600M from him. He must have FINALLY learned his lesson, because he allowed himself to be talked out of it by his corpmates. At the time of the original heist he was 15 years old, which means that he would be approaching adulthood now. Chase, I hope that you take this lesson to heart before you leave the safety of home and step into the real world!

Taildust Gives Paul Clavet a Loki

Posted in Combat, Duffers, Ninja Salvaging on February 8, 2011 by paul

I was talking with Khalia out of game and announced that it was time for me to get my ninja on. He had been doing his ninja thing in Ammold where I was based at the time, but was frustrated that he wasn’t getting any bites. He declared that he would go one system over to see if he could improve his luck. I told him that I would log in and get an expensive kill in the system he thought was mined out for the night. Of course, he didn’t believe me.

So I dropped probes. The third hit was a Loki flown by Taildust. For all my stupidly expensive kills, I still had not ever gotten a T3 kill. I warped in to find Taildust doing some sort of Sansha mission, pewing the last rat. I looted, and Taildust shot at me.

Do you remember what happens when you shoot at Ninjas? If you said “bad things” then you may move to the head of the class. Also, see me after we’re done. The chalkboard needs cleaning.

He was still there when I arrived, though he was almost out of range and moving away.

I overloaded my afterburner and warp disruptor. A quick note about warp disruptors: If you are flying an expensive ship already, it makes sense to spend the extra money on a faction point. Also, if living out of an Orca it’s worth your time to train the Orca pilot to maxed out Skirmish Warfare skills. Fit all three Skirmish Warfare links. Much like the Spanish Inquisition, nobody expects a Tengu to point them at 48km (overloaded) and charge them in excess of a kilometer per second. I’ve gotten many kills this way that wouldn’t have happened in a stock Raven. This was one of them.

I opened a convo with the victim:

Paul Clavet > 500M or your ship dies
taildust > like io got the money
Paul Clavet > How much do you have?
taildust > i give 20 mill
Paul Clavet > not good enough

I steadily burned through his armor.

I figured that he wasn’t going for a ransom and I’d have to pop him, but there was one thing left to try.

Paul Clavet > eject
Paul Clavet > you’ll get your mods back
Paul Clavet > 15 seconds to comply

A minute passed. Nothing. One more little reminder.

Paul Clavet > you’re going to lose SP


Now, here I must share my fail. In an ongoing effort to fly everything in the game so that I can steal anything in the game, I’ve trained all four racial cruiser skills to V, with Minmatar being the final one completed only days ago. I had all the Minmatar Subsystem skills trained to I, but had forgotten to grab the actual Minmatar Strategic Cruiser Skillbook. Dang it.

I knew I needed to delay Taildust as long as possible while we secured his ship.

Paul Clavet > meet me in station
taildust > i am here
Paul Clavet > OK, it’ll be a minute
taildust > ok

I warped in my Orca, but being deadspace the Orca had over 80km to cover at 78m/s. Luckily even after much taunting Khalia had not ceased to be my BFF and brought over his new toy: A cap-stable Orca that goes over 300m/s. I also had fellow Ninja Zavulon Sukkot start the 14-jump trip over just in case the Loki had something in the hold that prevented it from being scooped by the Orca. Fortunately the Loki only had ammo and was scooped by Khalia, who took it to station and contracted it to me. Khalia was paid 100M and Zavulon 50M for their appreciated efforts.

taildust > how come i wasnt hurting u
Paul Clavet > Because you suck and I am awesome
Paul Clavet > by the way, I’m keeping the ship and whatever is on it
Paul Clavet > thanks for ejecting
taildust > i new it

He came back to the mission in a rookie ship to get his mission item. I pewed him again and popped the can containing his mission item. Whoops.

30 minutes later I had Minmatar Strategic Cruiser I and could get into the Loki. It was mostly T2 fit and T1 rigged, but the hull and subsystems still made for a very profitable evening.

Gunbuster Rono donates his Apocalypse Navy Issue to Jerks

Posted in Combat, Duffers, Ninja Salvaging on January 24, 2011 by khalia

Three hours of ninja salvaging had gone by without a single mission runner shooting at me. I was getting desperate. When I scanned down an Apocalypse Navy Issue, I grabbed a gank Hurricane I had sitting around and warped in. Perhaps looting in a battlecruiser would get this guy all hot and bothered. Apparently it did, because he opened fire as soon as I looted.

Unfortunately my Hurricane isn’t a match for a well-fit faction battleship, and I ended up warping out in structure.

I go grab my Sacrilege, and Gunbuster mouths off in local:

[ 2011.01.25 01:05:49 ] Gunbuster Rono > you better run!
[ 2011.01.25 01:09:59 ] Gunbuster Rono > just to let everyone know, Khalia Nestune is coming into missions and looting just so he can get you to attack. he wasn’t able to kill me in his hurricane, though

He’s left the mission but is still in system. I have written his scan id down, like all good probers do, so I scan him down to an asteroid belt. Thirty seconds later I have a point on him. Here begins a long, long battle. I get under his guns, but he turns everything off except his hardeners and pulses his armor repper. My single medium energy neutralizer isn’t enough to entirely kill his capacitor because of this, so we stalemate staying at 100% armor.


Meanwhile, on Vent:

Khalia: “For the love of god, I can’t break this Apoc Navy’s tank!”
Paul: “Should I head down there?”
Khalia: “You may as well, I’m going to be here for a while.”
Paul: “Ok… it’s 16 jumps. Bringing the JerkTengu.”

My next move is to warp in my alts – one in a Basilisk for shield/energy, the other in the Orca. I don’t use the Basilisk right now as I don’t need either cap transfer or any remote repair. The Orca has some junk modules in it from looting, so I locate a small energy neut and fit it up.

The second neut has no effect. I send my Basilisk alt off to purchase a medium energy neut from the next system over. That goes on soon enough, and has zero effect. We’re now at 20 minutes and counting with his tank still not broken.

Khalia: “Paul, where the hell are you?”
Paul: “Getting you another medium neut and some ammo, you ungrateful jerk.”

In local:

[ 2011.01.25 01:36:12 ] Gunbuster Rono > all this time you’ve wasted. you could’ve already found another prey to kill
[ 2011.01.25 01:38:19 ] Khalia Nestune > Patience is rewarded =)

Paul finally arrives, 30 minutes after I’d pointed the Apoc Navy Issue. He drops me a third energy neut – and forgets the ammo of course – and swaps ships with my Basilisk pilot. If Gunbuster shoots Paul when he transfers me energy, Paul can swap back into the Tengu and quickly end this internet space ship Mexican stand-off.

The third medium neut does the trick and his tank breaks. I offer a ransom of 400m, but he’s wise to us dishonoring the ransom. What happens later means we end up with even more ISK than if he had paid ransom!

[ 2011.01.25 01:45:48 ] Khalia Nestune > 400m, or I pop it
[ 2011.01.25 01:46:10 ] Gunbuster Rono > you’re going to pop it anyway
[ 2011.01.25 01:46:15 ] Khalia Nestune > not if you pay

So I continue to shoot him. Then, this happens:


Khalia: “What the hell… did he eject?!”
Paul: “Holy shit, yes he did. Stop shooting!”
Khalia: “Stoped. Can’t board!”
Paul: “Stop targeting it… I’m in!”


Gunbuster gives his 600M Apocalypse Navy Issue to us and we’re just agog about it. It isn’t even a mistake, as he comments in local:

2011.01.25 01:48:40 ] Gunbuster Rono > forget it. you can have the ship
[ 2011.01.25 01:48:52 ] Khalia Nestune > o./
[ 2011.01.25 01:48:52 ] Gunbuster Rono > next time i just wont shoot you
[ 2011.01.25 01:50:03 ] Khalia Nestune > thanks dude!
[ 2011.01.25 01:50:05 ] Khalia Nestune > woo
[ 2011.01.25 01:50:15 ] Paul Clavet > He ejected, we own the ship now


Paul gives me the Apoc Navy, and I give him 100M ISK for his help. I’m still stunned. He had a lot of options – he could have self-destructed, denying us anything. He could have let it die, and we would have gotten some T2 modules. If he had friends, a remote-rep battleship with guns would have ended the whole thing.

Post Note: My girlfriend is a gamer, but she’s not familiar with EVE. The previous night we’re chatting on instant messenger, and I was explaining about mission runner ‘piracy’:

(11:44:59 PM) Khalia’s girlfriend: can’t you steal other people’s ships and have a fleet or something?
(11:45:06 PM) Khalia: ?
(11:45:26 PM) Khalia: not sure what you’re asking
(11:45:44 PM) Khalia’s girlfriend: can you hijack a ship?
(11:45:54 PM) Khalia: not in the sense you mean
(11:46:13 PM) Khalia: you’d have to get the player to eject from his ship, and you’d have to eject from yours and then board his
(11:46:25 PM) Khalia: but there is really no reason to eject from your ship in a fight
(11:47:00 PM) Khalia: we do ransom people (“Give use xxxx $ or we blow you up”)
(11:47:06 PM) Khalia: and then promptly blow them up anyways
(11:47:11 PM) Khalia’s girlfriend: nice
(11:47:41 PM) Khalia’s girlfriend: but I mean, what if the other person’s ship is shinier and you want it. Can you take it if you wanted to?
(11:48:11 PM) Khalia: not really, no
(11:48:49 PM) Khalia’s girlfriend: so you can rob and kidnap but there’s no space piracy?
(11:49:07 PM) Khalia: piracy is blowing them up and taking whatever survives
(11:49:32 PM) Khalia’s girlfriend: that’s what i mean though
(11:49:46 PM) Khalia: can’t get the ship complete tho

Men take note: Anything you tell your girl is impossible, she will prove you wrong.

Uh Oh, I Got Someone Upset!

Posted in Delicious Tears, Duffers on December 28, 2010 by khalia

Apparently I’m now getting tears on my Youtube videos:

Rattlesnake Kill Video

Where To Salvage Video

In the amount of time this tard took to scan down a mission he could’ve gotten a level 4 done.

GG on failing on life, son.

Best part: There was no scaning in that video.

psyphirus likes to throw away ISK – fine by me

Posted in Combat, Duffers on December 14, 2010 by khalia

I finally got back into the Ninja lifestyle. After taking out a CNR and a Tengu on my first day, I moved location for variety.

I just purchased that truly evil of faction battleships, the Bhaalgorn, and was eager to give it a try. Running a mission in his Apocalypse, psyphirus gave me that chance. He had the sense to hold fire on my Vigil until one of his corp mates arrived (in another Apoc). Then they prompltly fled to the next system, also another favorite tactic.

My stealth alt observed them docking up… and then undocking and warping off in system. Another mission? Excellent. I extended agro and put probes out. There were a lot of Apocs in system so it took a few minutes, but in the end I found him and warped in with my new toy. Not surprisingly psyphirus quickly explodes. Then comes the usual “oh, it didn’t matter to me” from the sore loser.

[01:09:46] psyphirus > lmao
[01:09:54] Khalia Nestune > indeed
[01:09:57] Khalia Nestune > I am amused
[01:10:45] psyphirus > good for you
[01:11:15] Khalia Nestune > roflmao
[01:11:18] Khalia Nestune > you were hulltanked?
[01:11:20] Khalia Nestune > LAWL
[01:12:18] psyphirus > nope
[01:12:25] psyphirus > look at the kill log
[01:12:30] psyphirus > actually read it
[01:13:00] Khalia Nestune > you carry around hull reps in cargo? that’s still pretty funny
[01:13:20] psyphirus > you mean smart to repair damage if you get it
[01:13:22] Khalia Nestune > and you had hull damage when I shot you
[01:13:24] Khalia Nestune > hah
[01:13:29] psyphirus > and?
[01:13:37] psyphirus > your not really making a point
[01:13:41] Khalia Nestune > Yeah, see, most of us with brain repair BEFORE we undock
[01:13:52] Khalia Nestune > or before going to a mission
[01:14:08] psyphirus > a few points an’t a problem, most can handle that
[01:14:17] psyphirus > just run along now
[01:14:35] Khalia Nestune > have fun buying a new apoc
[01:14:46] psyphirus > its easy money
[01:14:50] psyphirus > didn’t hurt anything
[01:14:57] Khalia Nestune > good, shoot at me more =)
[01:15:17] psyphirus > oh i will 🙂 but you’ll prob run again
[01:15:33] Khalia Nestune > yes, I always defeat Apocs in Vigils

(Despite his claim, he actually had about 30% hull damage when I started on him. Noobs: They’re so tasty.)

Remember kids, shooting at ninjas gets you killed. We have patience, skills, and evil intentions. And if you’ve got the ISK to throw away, we’re happy to take it from you.

Graaatch: Working an Hour for Paul Clavet

Posted in Combat, Delicious Tears, Duffers, E-honor, Ninja Salvaging on November 18, 2010 by paul

So I had a couple of hours, and felt like ganking a carebear. I logged onto Eve and launched probes, finding a Rokh and two Golems within a minute. Knowing that a marauder would be clearing as it went, I held the Rokh until the end. The first Golem was finishing up and warped away soon after I arrived. The second Golem, flown by Graaatch, shot at me after I looted a couple of small wrecks. I evacuated my Vigil (actually it was Khalia’s Vigil, but that’s a long story) and retrieved the Sacrilege.

As I arrived, he warped out.

Oh well, I guess I’ll go on to… wait a minute! Did he just warp to a planet?

I warped to Ruvas I at 0km. There he was.

I was actually a little worried at first. He was tanking me really well, and it was taking both my armor repairers to barely keep up with his damage.

As his tank started to break, I opened a convo with him. I will include the highlights, and give you a pastebin to the entire log at the end of the post.

Paul Clavet > How much is your ship worth to you?
Graaatch > for a rat…nothin…i has more
Paul Clavet > OK then
Paul Clavet > now that you’re out of cap
Graaatch > are you planning on lettin me go for less than 50 mill
Paul Clavet > lessee… how much is a golem worth?
Paul Clavet > I’ll take 450 mil
Graaatch > is not about how much its worth its about how much i have
Paul Clavet > I guess you don’t have rich friends then?
Graaatch > i have no friends thats why im in a free corp
Paul Clavet > If you have an unfitted golem, contract it to me and I’ll let this one go
Paul Clavet > or make me an offer
Graaatch > like i said…if you want 50mill or less i can do that but i dont have that kind of money and i dont have another golem…i have more ships like a rohk or orca but nothin like a golem
Paul Clavet > I’d take an orca
Graaatch > well…is fitted and carrying my hulk atm so im not going to give those up
Paul Clavet > your time is about to run out
Paul Clavet > you’d better make me an offer soon

I’ve gotten ransoms before, but I’d never had someone take me up on my suggestion to contract over assets in lieu of cash.

Paul Clavet > Contract the Orca with Hulk
Paul Clavet > it’s worth less than your Golem
Paul Clavet > or you lose your Golem and fittings
Paul Clavet > one minute left
Graaatch > im lookin for it….
Paul Clavet > Found it?
Graaatch > yea but the hulks not in it
Paul Clavet > the orca and 50M then
Paul Clavet > quickly
Graaatch > ok h/o
Graaatch > is up

My contract icon blinks.


Now then, to crack open this pinata and see what falls out…

Paul Clavet > SUDDENLY
Paul Clavet > BETRAYAL

Killmail. That’s a solid billion-ISK ship. Shame the Pith B-Type XL Booster didn’t drop.

Paul Clavet > Now then
Paul Clavet > what have we learned?
Graaatch > that some people are just douche bags and cant be trusted….that those people play big billy badass in the internet because irl they get picked on by everyone cause they cant do anything worthy of anyone
Paul Clavet > You are right, I do nothing cool IRL
Paul Clavet > Truly thou hast struck a mortal blow
Graaatch > figured
Paul Clavet > but thanks for the orca and faction mods
Graaatch > yea…get bent pizza face…try not to get raped by daddy tonight
Paul Clavet > Your tears are delicious. My cup overfloweth!

Now, I’ve gotten a few kills since my hiatus, but no quality tears. These are textbook grief-tears!

Graaatch > am i pist off yea….cause i lost my golem…a lil…mostly cause you cant trust people these days
Paul Clavet > Yeah, I mean if you can’t trust the CEO of “Honorless Internet Jerks” then who CAN you trust?
Graaatch > idc who you are
Paul Clavet > Obviously not, because you trusted me.

Why do people get the impression that they can trust even their corpmates in Eve, much less some random guy that out-witted them?

Graaatch > me…i know enough….i can go ahead right now and buy a couple plexs and replace the golem and mods
Paul Clavet > I encourage you to do exactly that
Paul Clavet > you’ve fuelled my playtime for another six weeks
Graaatch > grats question is…can you afford to play without being a leach…..are you a leach on society as well and in EVE
Graaatch > i would imagine you are
Paul Clavet > Yep, I’m a total non-contributor both in eve and IRL. I’ve never done anything worthwhile in either realm
Graaatch > me….i dont have the time to play games like this all day…i work for a living
Paul Clavet > I would work for a living too if I was that terrible at games
Graaatch > go figure

I resisted the urge to tell him that at that point I had been logged in for 45 minutes out of the past week.

Graaatch > its not cause im terrible at games….its cause i wanna keep the mustang gt and chevy z71 in my driveway full with gas and the roof over my head
Paul Clavet > Go look under the passenger floorboard… you might find an orca to replace the one you gave away!

Ah, the old “my fail here doesn’t matter because IRL I make lots of money!” routine.

Paul Clavet > Never forget that you fired first
Paul Clavet > You were obviously the aggressor
Graaatch > now…if i was TRYING to pvp…i would have been setup w/ a warp stab and a large neut

Wait, what?

Paul Clavet > So maybe you can figure out how much work-time it’ll take you to recover the bil or so for the golem… then you can remember while you’re at work that you’re essentially working for me
Paul Clavet > So stop slacking!
Graaatch > hmm thats good but it will be 1 hr of work for 3x plexs
Paul Clavet > Yep!
Paul Clavet > An hour of work for Paul Clavet
Graaatch > i can deal w/ that
Paul Clavet > Well good, perhaps we can do this again sometime!

I can only hope that at work tomorrow, he remembers what happened here today, and thinks of me. And then gets the hell back to work. The slacker. Honestly, I don’t know what I keep him around for.

Graaatch > like i said…i treat folks the way i want to be treated…i know full well the pvp of this game…i spent some time in 0.0….does everyone breat ransoms…no….we never did when i was runnin 0.0 space
Graaatch > break*
Paul Clavet > wait… you’re claiming to have knowledge of pvp?
Paul Clavet > Is that why your idea of a PVP fit involves warp stabs?
Paul Clavet > Is that why you warp to zero on a planet then sit still?
Graaatch > do i pvp in high sec….no…when i do…its usually 1 person and a warp stab will get you out….if im runnin in a pack i dont….was i expecting you to follow….no
Paul Clavet > So I guess you DID learn something useful today!
Graaatch > but being in a bs….its a slow boat
Paul Clavet > I will send you a bill tomorrow.
Graaatch > ill be sure to ignore it and wait for your in game supena
Paul Clavet > You misspelled subpoena
Paul Clavet > but what do I know, right?
Graaatch > rofl so your a grammer nazi too
Graaatch > clasic
Paul Clavet > classic*

There was a little more chest-beating by Graaatch in response to my poking, and if you want to read the complete log, you can do so over at pastebin.

It was an hour well-spent in Eve. The Orca was transported by an alt to Jita, where it sold for 350 million ISK. My total take was approximately 475 million.

Mixed Griefer Fleet Suicide Ganks 30B+ BearBoat

Posted in Combat, Duffers on August 29, 2010 by paul

Congrats to our newest Jerk, Schmetterflug, for being part of a seven-ship fleet that suicide-ganked an officer-fit Paladin on a gate in hisec. The ship is conservatively valued at 30 billion ISK, but there’s no way to know for sure with officer mods until they sell, which can take weeks. Even with only a 1/7th cut of the loot, it’s a huge wad of cash for Schmett. Also, he just took the Jerks Battleclinic kill total from 50B to 80B.

Here’s Arden’s blog post on the kill.

There’s an awful lot of silly-fit carebears that should be re-examining their priorities right about now. Expect copycat kills any day.

War! Ludi Sacerdotales, Part1

Posted in Capers, Combat, Duffers on July 29, 2010 by khalia

Captain Charismatic has a skill for finding corporations which are worth Jerks attention. Most recently he found us Ludi Sacerdotales, who were allowing anyone with a pulse to join.

Captain joined under one of his alts long enough to discover they were incredibly, amazingly, mind-bogglingly, full of fail. We had some fun with his inside information, until by bad luck he was discovered and kicked out. No problem! These guys were going to be worth more attention, so we started the process for a deceleration of war.

While this was pending we started scanning down and can-flipping their miners, which they were not happy about at all. They seemed to like flipping back and/or shooting back, so we managed to down a Badger full of ore, two Kestrels and a Drake. We also got the usual threats of WHEN THE WAR STARTS YOU WILL SUFFER!!!111

[ 2010.07.28 04:36:17 ] Phantomesk > when this war starts
[ 2010.07.28 04:36:19 ] Phantomesk > your fucked
[ 2010.07.28 04:36:29 ] DreamTrooperX > baha this’ll be fun eh phantom?

[ 2010.07.28 04:36:50 ] Khalia Nestune > we haven’t even started and you’re down two kessies a drake and a pile of ore. lol.

[ 2010.07.28 04:55:32 ] Phantomesk > well we’re not gonna cna flip u cause ull take us out 1 by 1
[ 2010.07.28 04:55:36 ] Phantomesk > now if it was war times
[ 2010.07.28 04:55:40 ] Phantomesk > u’d be dead 20 minutes ago

For added insult, I take the 100k Veldspar and contract it to him for about 8 times the normal price. Better, he actually accepts the contract!

[ 2010.07.28 21:14:57 ] Khalia Nestune > woo
[ 2010.07.28 21:15:05 ] Khalia Nestune > thanks for doing business, Dream
[ 2010.07.28 21:17:34 ] DreamTrooperX > got zydrine? thats really what i need
[ 2010.07.28 21:18:05 ] Khalia Nestune > Yeah, but with shipping and handling
[ 2010.07.28 21:18:12 ] Khalia Nestune > it will be about 10k per unit

While we wait for the war to start, we do some recon on their POS. Charismatic hangs out in a cloaky ship while the CEO fiddles with the modules. “Hey Khalia”, I hear over comms, “the CEO is offlining some of his guns.” He watches while the CEO brings five medium gun modules offline. There’s no one else at the POS except for the CEO, and that guy is in a Scorpion.

Clearly this is not an opportunity to be missed, so Charismatic provides my out-of-corp Orca alt with a bookmark for one of the modules. I warp in, scoop it, and warp off. Not a damn thing they can do. Surprisingly we don’t hear a peep out of the CEO in local, nor does Charismatic see the guy do anything! So I warp in several more times and scoop modules, and Charismatic manages to scoop one of them with his Orca alt who arrives late to the party.

Even better, we later tell the CEO, and he actually doesn’t care or doesn’t believe us, because he never says a peep about it.

[ 2010.07.29 00:37:35 ] shoopusmawhoopus > Hey jak
[ 2010.07.29 00:37:44 ] Captain Charismatic > wanna know if you’re paying attention
[ 2010.07.29 00:37:54 ] Captain Charismatic > You were unanchoring pos mods earlier
[ 2010.07.29 00:37:56 ] shoopusmawhoopus > Medium Pulse Laser Battery
[ 2010.07.29 00:38:00 ] Captain Charismatic > that one of them?
[ 2010.07.29 00:38:05 ] Captain Charismatic > it’s in my orca’s hold
[ 2010.07.29 00:38:11 ] Captain Charismatic > We got a fair number
[ 2010.07.29 00:39:20 ] Khalia Nestune > Oh by the way
[ 2010.07.29 00:39:29 ] Khalia Nestune > I bet you’re thinking, oh, they’re messing with us
[ 2010.07.29 00:39:35 ] Khalia Nestune > they’d get shot, right?
[ 2010.07.29 00:39:45 ] Khalia Nestune > Pretend we had friends with haulers… not in our corp
[ 2010.07.29 00:39:50 ] Captain Charismatic > 🙂
[ 2010.07.29 00:39:53 ] Captain Charismatic > Like…
[ 2010.07.29 00:39:55 ] Khalia Nestune > and we were watching you unanchor mods… while cloaked
[ 2010.07.29 00:39:56 ] Captain Charismatic > orcas…
[ 2010.07.29 00:40:08 ] Khalia Nestune > and then told them to warp in and steal them!
[ 2010.07.29 00:40:14 ] Captain Charismatic > 😀
[ 2010.07.29 00:40:19 ] Captain Charismatic > You seemed to be kinda afk
[ 2010.07.29 00:40:26 ] Khalia Nestune > It was funny too, because you were there in your scorp
[ 2010.07.29 00:40:30 ] Khalia Nestune > for like six hours
[ 2010.07.29 00:40:51 ] Khalia Nestune > Capt, three laser batteries and two blasters?
[ 2010.07.29 00:41:00 ] Captain Charismatic > yeah
[ 2010.07.29 00:41:06 ] Captain Charismatic > I got a pulse lazor
[ 2010.07.29 00:41:11 ] Captain Charismatic > what’d you get?
[ 2010.07.29 00:41:17 ] Khalia Nestune > all the rest
[ 2010.07.29 00:41:20 ] Captain Charismatic > heh
[ 2010.07.29 00:41:35 ] Khalia Nestune > The best part is, you didn’t even notice

So the war starts. And, as we expected, fifteen of them stay docked up while we wait in the area for them to undock. Eventually they get bored and start undocking in bits and pieces and end up getting pewed by us. Phantomesk loses a cheap T1 frig. Spacemonster72, who is not very bright, loses a Thrasher and his pod; and then he comes right back and loses another Thrasher.

Dominic Fergas, attempting to be clever, undocks with a warp-stab-and-cloak fit Rifter. He warps off with a scrambler on him, then comes back at range and cloaks. Captain was able to see where he warped in, and we know he will move like a snail with a cloak on. So I go fit up a second scrambler and warp back in at range and buzz around. Guessing that 100k from station was too obvious, I then warp back in at 70km – and immediately decloak him. His Rifter goes up in smoke. We were laughing our asses off at that one.

[ 2010.07.29 00:23:35 ] Khalia Nestune > LOL
[ 2010.07.29 00:23:38 ] Captain Charismatic > Wow
[ 2010.07.29 00:23:47 ] Captain Charismatic > It’s like minesweeper for people we can kill
[ 2010.07.29 00:24:09 ] Khalia Nestune > YES!

Sometime later, CEO jaksparra
drops in on our camp with his ECM Scorpion. This is apparently a decoy in order for his corp mates to GTFO from the system, because they all start undocking and warping off. We’d run into this Scorp before, and we were prepared this time. We let Captain’s hurricane take the brunt of the ECM, and then I warped in an anti-Caldari fit Blackbird. I jam and point the Scorpion, and Captain pounds on his non-existent tank until the Scorpion explodes.

[ 2010.07.29 00:46:00 ] Khalia Nestune > yeah
[ 2010.07.29 01:14:48 ] Khalia Nestune > o/
[ 2010.07.29 01:14:56 ] Captain Charismatic > Bye scorp
[ 2010.07.29 01:14:57 ] Khalia Nestune > pwned
[ 2010.07.29 01:15:02 ] Captain Charismatic > This is what happens
[ 2010.07.29 01:15:15 ] Captain Charismatic > when you bring shiny things
[ 2010.07.29 01:18:19 ] Khalia Nestune > Jerks: 9; Ludi: 0
[ 2010.07.29 01:18:25 ] Khalia Nestune > Shall we continue?

So what’s a corp to do at this point? Avoid the wardec by dropping out of their alliance (of which they were the only actual corporation). This forces the wardec to end in 24 hours. Rapidly joining and leaving alliances to avoid wardecs is however considered an exploit – and a bannable offense – and Paul lets the CEO know. And that we’ll be declaring war on their corporation – now cheaper outside the alliance!

With 24 hours until the pew pew ends (and then 24 before it starts again), we set up camp and wait for boredom to set in. Which it does – a Merlin tries to get by and gets blown up. Suspecting a scout for a larger fleet, we swap for some bigger ships and wait. Sure enough they show up with a Merlin, Moa, Thorax , Drake and a Caracal. The Caracal is smart enough to get the hell out of there, and the rest fall like rocks. We pod two of them and are starting to actually feel a little bit bad… no wait, we don’t.

We round off the night by chasing down a guy mining in an Osprey and podding him; and then we camp a mission-running Drake who falls right into my lap and suffers the obvious fate.

Are you entertained? We sure are. Stay tuned for the next installment!